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Could I have Adult ADHD?


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I've lived all my life with this little idiosyncrasy, but only in the last few years have I really wondered what it was all about. After hearing about adult ADHD, I'm wondering if maybe it could be the reason:

 

Sometimes, when I let my mind wander, it will go back to some event in the past -- usually some moment when I felt "humiliated" or embarrassed by something I said or did -- and the memory will be so strong that I will almost become captivated by it. These can be moments as recent as last week or from when I was a very, very small child. It's like I'm reliving it and it's drowning out the present moment. The memory is so strong that I will blurt out something. Sometimes it's a word or a sentence -- like I'm talking in the memory or saying something I should have said in the moment to not make that moment humiliating. It may be something like, "No, put it down!" or "Embarassing!" Sometimes it's just a sound, like "Ghaaaah!" It can be self-critical, like, "Idiot!" or "Stupid!" I cannot control the verbalization and I don't make any conscious decision about what I'm saying. It's uncontrollable and unpredictable.

 

Let's just say it's an out-of-body memory... that's the best way I can describe it. But it's not a memory as much as being back in that moment -- usually a moment of public or private humiliation or regret. It's almost like how some people describe Post Traumatic Stress episodes, but I wouldn't exactly call private humiliation "traumatic" to that level. And the way my body snaps out of it is verbalizing. Imagine when you've had a nightmare and you wake yourself up from it by yelling something and flinching. That's what I do, but it happens when I'm fully awake. I'm not sleeping, but it's like a waking nightmare of some past event.

 

This verbalizing is not something I can control. Believe me, I've tried. It happens while driving at least two or three times a day, and it will happen when others are in the car, which can be really embarrassing. It can happen in the middle of a meeting or while having an conversation with someone. The verbalization snaps me out of it, and I usually try to cover one of these episodes with a cough of clearing of the throat.

 

But when it does happen while driving, it does scare me. Because it is an episode that I can't control and I am really not in control of my body or my mind. I've never had an accident because of it, thank goodness, but the frequency as I'm approaching 40 is increasing. This used to happen one or twice a month. Now it happens several times a day.

 

The only person I've ever described this to is my husband, who has experienced it enough that I thought I should explain why I sometimes blurt out words.

 

I've never heard of anyone ever describing such a thing, and maybe I'm just got a weird brain wiring or something. But I was listening to an NPR story recently about adult ADHD and the guest described something similar.

 

Also:

- Every single report card growing up said I was brilliantly smart but "can't apply myself" to my work;

- Despite having a Bachelors degree and a lot of post-graduate education in health and science, I have had five major careers in the last 15 years, from newspaper reporter to radio host to veterinary student to (now) airline baggage handler. Never progressing much past entry level.

- I define procrastination, and I frequently attack ambitious projects only to lose interest and flake out.

- I don't have a significant social group. I can count my good friends on a few fingers and I drop out of sight from them for years at a time, resurface, and then disappear.

- My relationship with my husband, however, is awesome! Best friend ever!

- I don't and have never abused drugs.

 

Thoughts? Am I just a weirdo? Or is this something that has a name?

 

And congratulations: First time I've ever described this to anyone other than my husband.

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