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Aspergers revealed.


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I am 35 years old. I am married with four children. My second child has severe autism. Through that diagnosis I have learned that my father had Autism and that I have Aspergers.

 

I feel normal to me and everyone else seems to lack the capacity to focus on complex concepts and to be overly dependent and anchored to their inflexible intuitive hardwiring. As a child I thought that the adults I knew were just not very smart and that the other children would mature into something more like me.

 

I have been with my beautiful wife for 12 years now. She is the one who revealed my condition to me four months ago. She has done a great deal of research on autism for our son and says that I have very clear indications.

 

My most favored perspective on autism is that I lack the sensitivity to detail in intuitive cues, that most people have. I can try to consciously read these cues but I am unable to reciprocate the depth and detail of emotional cues myself and trying to exhaust me. I try to overcome this by explicitly vocalization but normal peoples efforts to do the same exhausts them. Neither of these strategies work very well and people find it difficult to trust and relax with me.

 

This dichotomy is most revealed in the conflicts I have with others. I give them verbal cues without the corresponding intuitive cues they are looking for. This causes what I see as a graduated and appropriate escalation to be me exploding without warning into an intensity that frightens them. I then just as quickly and frighteningly return to a non-agitated state because I do not give the normal intuitive cues they need for that transition. It is so upsetting that they do not want deal with me. This failure makes me inclined not to engage in direct conflict. My next strategy is to Socraticaly cause people to self contradict. This makes others think that I am setting traps and playing word games. My last resort is to reshape the disagreement into a non-communication based competition that I completely crush them in. The usual response is to see me as arrogant and cruel.

 

I feel that I have a great deal to share. If anyone is interested please suggest a direction or question.

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  • 1 month later...

Woo! You can see your Aspergers through your language alone. Most people dont use words like dichotomy or socraticaly, usually with Aspergers there is an advanced vocabulary and they say things in ways that other people just dont think to. A question I have is how does this affect your marriage? I would imagine it would be very difficult to be married to someone who cant read emotions well considering how emotionally focused women are.

 

 

This dichotomy is most revealed in the conflicts I have with others. I give them verbal cues without the corresponding intuitive cues they are looking for. This causes what I see as a graduated and appropriate escalation to be me exploding without warning into an intensity that frightens them.

 

My next strategy is to Socraticaly cause people to self contradict. This makes others think that I am setting traps and playing word games.

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  • 5 months later...

I am 35 years old. I am married with four children. My second child has severe autism. Through that diagnosis I have learned that my father had Autism and that I have Aspergers.

 

Hi,

 

I hope that you are still visiting this site and can reply. I would love to know how to heal our lives. My boyfriend has AS and has not had any help or support. At first we disregarded it as a source of our arguements. We have been together for 9 months and it feels like years! It's emotionally draining and very stressful. My life got really hard when I met him. But I love him and he's vulnerable and needs a friend. I have studied about AS and given him a small list each week of things to try, so he can reduce his stress levels. Leaving space in his calendar is one thing, as he usually over loads himself and ends up doing nothing.

 

I hope I can help him but I also feel my needs are not being addressed. During our task write ups of 'how to help make other people feel happy/appreciated' he chose to compiment someone from Uni (we are both nearly 30). We had previously spoken about how I feel I am not being looked after or that I am not happy. I said it was a wonderful thing he chose to do and it of course stayed on the list..

Later when I asked him about the washing up he promised to do, he got angry and said that I "never think about his needs" - he feels I am trying to take him away from his 'tasks' whenever I ask if he wants to spend time with me, or when I try to be blunt and ask him to cook me a meal, because it's usually me. He seems only interested in things that benefit him, he hasn't space for me in his life. He is also now depressed again after getting better from 10 years of it.

 

I have tried really hard to stick to the 'rules' of AS advice, but if 1 out of 10 things I say, may involve asking him for something for me, he seems to get angry and blame me..for so much. He blames me for his stress. I have been proud to say I have never lashed out on him but today I pushed him and pounded on his chest when he said I never think of him...because I have spent days studying and planning and thinking of him to the point where it drained me - I tried ignoring my feelings of hurt when he unintentionally hurt me...the life is sucking out of me because I try so hard but am left feeling unappreciated, unloved and hated.Today I was curled up in a ball on the bed, crying whilst he stood over me, shouting and telling me how I 'change rules' - but he just doesn't understand the rules. If I can't explain an emotion, it gets discounted. He does things I beg him not to do because he discounts my feelings.

 

Some people write 'success' stories...about how their partner doesn't do this or that, but never mind, they get their 'love' from their friends, and at least they are stronger etc....I don't want that. I want my boyfriend to support me when I'm sad, to give back when I am drained. Is this actually possible? I have friends but I believe your best friend should be your partner. I am trying to be this perfect person but end up feeling like an 'Over-Emotional freak' guilty of feeling sad. I can't find a single counsellor in the South of the UK who can do couples counselling and AS. One or the other.

 

Please help me

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  • 1 year later...

Hi,

 

I hope that you are still visiting this site and can reply. I would love to know how to heal our lives. My boyfriend has AS and has not had any help or support. At first we disregarded it as a source of our arguements. We have been together for 9 months and it feels like years! It's emotionally draining and very stressful. My life got really hard when I met him. But I love him and he's vulnerable and needs a friend. I have studied about AS and given him a small list each week of things to try, so he can reduce his stress levels. Leaving space in his calendar is one thing, as he usually over loads himself and ends up doing nothing.

 

I hope I can help him but I also feel my needs are not being addressed. During our task write ups of 'how to help make other people feel happy/appreciated' he chose to compiment someone from Uni (we are both nearly 30). We had previously spoken about how I feel I am not being looked after or that I am not happy. I said it was a wonderful thing he chose to do and it of course stayed on the list..

Later when I asked him about the washing up he promised to do, he got angry and said that I "never think about his needs" - he feels I am trying to take him away from his 'tasks' whenever I ask if he wants to spend time with me, or when I try to be blunt and ask him to cook me a meal, because it's usually me. He seems only interested in things that benefit him, he hasn't space for me in his life. He is also now depressed again after getting better from 10 years of it.

 

I have tried really hard to stick to the 'rules' of AS advice, but if 1 out of 10 things I say, may involve asking him for something for me, he seems to get angry and blame me..for so much. He blames me for his stress. I have been proud to say I have never lashed out on him but today I pushed him and pounded on his chest when he said I never think of him...because I have spent days studying and planning and thinking of him to the point where it drained me - I tried ignoring my feelings of hurt when he unintentionally hurt me...the life is sucking out of me because I try so hard but am left feeling unappreciated, unloved and hated.Today I was curled up in a ball on the bed, crying whilst he stood over me, shouting and telling me how I 'change rules' - but he just doesn't understand the rules. If I can't explain an emotion, it gets discounted. He does things I beg him not to do because he discounts my feelings.

 

Some people write 'success' stories...about how their partner doesn't do this or that, but never mind, they get their 'love' from their friends, and at least they are stronger etc....I don't want that. I want my boyfriend to support me when I'm sad, to give back when I am drained. Is this actually possible? I have friends but I believe your best friend should be your partner. I am trying to be this perfect person but end up feeling like an 'Over-Emotional freak' guilty of feeling sad. I can't find a single counsellor in the South of the UK who can do couples counselling and AS. One or the other.

 

Please help me

 

Hey, im in the same situation pretty much - i've been going with my boyfriend for 8 months, and he has high funtioning a.s. It's extremely tough alot of the time, and I usually find myself thinking about quitting because it can be frustrating half-living with someone who's got so little understanding about how you feel, what your likes/dislikes are and what things put you off that he does. I can relate with alot of your experiences with your bf, eg. discounting your feelings if you can't give an acceptable explanation or feeling unloved/neglected sometimes because he spends so much time with his hobbies and interests. (in my case, his is cars,bikes,geography,history,politics.. so the rants are *pretty darnn boring*... and what's worse he can't even tell when my facial expressions tell him 'ok that's enough, now let's talk about something fun'.

 

Just wondering, have u heard of Relate? They are councillors who specialise with couples with whom one or two partners have a.s. Also wondering..are you still with him?? Wb :-)

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  • 6 months later...

Hi,

 

This is for gypsykingthing and xcherithx. I have asperger's syndrome. I am a female. What I can affirm for you, is that for most people with asperger's syndrome emotions of other people are like an invisible obstacle course that we just have a hard time seeing (obviously) and therefore navigating. I am not trying to be harsh when I say this, but if you can't accept your signifigant other whose brain is wired like this, you should seek a relationship with someone who is neurotypical. All of your attempting to fix, and fuss over someone who cannot help that their brain processes information differently, is exhausting to people with Asperger's syndrome.

 

Relationships for me are difficult with me having AS by default, as I cannot seem to intuitively get them, or find meaning in some of the rituals associated with them. Neurotypical women are ESPECIALLY difficult to interact with as they are typically more emotional than males and like to gather to comfort each other about their feelings, which is very forgien and bizzare to me. Seeing that I am a female with Aspergers and feel this way, I can't even imagine what it must be like for a guy with Asperger's Syndrome in terms of the emotions of females. If you are interested in staying in your respective relationships, I recommend a book to you called: 22 Things a Woman Must Know If She Loves a Man with Asperger's Syndrome. Link here: http://www.amazon.com/Things-Woman-Must-Know-Aspergers/dp/1849058032

 

People with Asperger's Syndrome become very overwhelmed mentally with people who in their good intentions, are attempting to "help" us. It is not that we think we don't need the help; it's that it becomes more information added to the mix of everything else we are trying to process. We process information in pieces. For me anyway, the more peices that are added, the more everything overall starts to not make sense. I therefore become very frusterated with the person trying to "help" and at my inability to process all the pieces of information swirling around me. I cannot help this. It is the way my brain opperates, as is the case for most people with Asperger's Syndrome. I see that you are frusterated at being involved with someone who has Asperger's Syndrome. However, even though we may look normal; we have a neuro-developmental DISABILITY. I think most neurotypical people forget that, or they seem not to be willing to accept that. This causes much pain for us because somethings we just cannot do like neurotypicals can. It can really suck being on the other end, having Asperger's Syndrome and having a neurotypical who is so "grieved" and "stressed out" as a result of being around us. That feels like a dagger in my heart, because I cannot help the way my brain opperates, and that I have Asperger's Syndrome. I am just trying to get everything else that is going on around me, and other people, and me, and I just can't ever seem to arrive at "getting" life things the way a neurotypical does. Added to that, the stress of knowing that no matter how hard I try to understand others and what's going on, me and my disability are "stressing" specific people out, though that never ever is my intention. It's just another burden on our shoulders. Believe me, we are affected in a bad way by people who articulate that they are stressed out by us, even though we are not trying to do that. It hurts; because we will never be like you are. We may not be able to articulate our pain to you the way you would explain your pain to us; but it does affect us. It's not like wearing an outfit that I can change to better please people around me, it's like the color of my skin in the sense that I cannot change it. My disability is intertwined with who I am. I think it is wise, that if you cannot accept or tolerate with compassion the disability of the person you are with, and the person, it is better that you look for someone who will act and think more like you. It may be tough to be around someone who has Asperger's Syndrome, but it is also tough to have Asperger's Syndrome, miss a lot of things and know that it is "tough" for you to be around us, because of how our disability causes us to be.

Edited by tl7
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