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DESPERATE

can someone please help me with my ocd?

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I am 25 years old and have been suffering for a little over a year. I am so over-whelmed that it is hard for me to compose this message so please excuse it if it is a bit incomprehensive. I suffer from intrusive 'thoughts' constantly. They are mainly about my family that means more to me than ANYTHING. I am closer to my sister than I can even express and for the past year I have constant thougts about her. I have read a lot of the posts on this and other websites about the kind of thoughts people with OCD have and my thoughts are not totally in sync with these. For instance I have constant thoughts about my sister being bad and everything being wrong with her. I also keep having thoughts that everything tht is wrong in my life is because of her. I have never sufferred from this before this last year. I hate these thoughts. I hate waking up in the morning because any time I see any bad person on tv i compare her to them and everytime i hear or see anything I compare her to them, if theyre doing something good, I have thoughts that she doesnt do it and shes bad and everything about her is wrong. I have thoughts that my life would be better if she werent in it Godforbid. I have thoughts if i dont want to go somewhere its because either she doesnt want to go or because i have her so i dont feel the need to go so I'd be more social if she wasnt here Godforbid. Even though she might have nothing against going to that place or I could and do go places without her but if I dont feel like going my thoughts automatically say its because of her.

I'm really tired, tired of these thoughts and of my self. I sometimes tell her about these thoguhts and shes really supportive, tells me to go for counselling and try not to dwell over them but obviously noone has such high self esteem and they do get to her sometimes, when i keep saying everything about her is bad.

i cant write more but would really appreciate some feedback, PLEASE!!! I know you cant make a diagnosis but does this sound like ocd to you??? will i ever be cured??? please please please help me...im desperate!

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Dear Desperate:

 

I wanted to respond to you because I know exactly what you are referring to. I have had unwanted thoughts on and off since I was seven years old. I have to say that I had been diagnosed with OCD when I was younger. I was very classic OCD around the age of 10 with repeated hand washing and counting. Even though those things are gone, I still today have unwanted thoughts. I want to share with you what has truly helped me overcome this. Let me rest your mind and tell you there is HOPE. I promise! I have to tell you also that I am a Christian and have been since 1993. A lot of what I am sharing with you has come to me through a lot of prayer and reading the Bible. I thank God for giving me the ability to overcome what can be a very frightening experience.

 

1.) What you are battling is not the thoughts themselves but the emotion, ANXIETY, that is connected to that thought. For example if I told you to think the same exact thoughts, you are having about your sister, but substitute a different person like George Washington your emotions would change in feeling and all of a sudden these thoughts would not matter anymore. I promise you it all has to do with the emotion of fear. Fearing thinking such yucky thoughts about someone you love so much.

 

2.) The BIGGEST thing that has helped me, with unwanted thoughts, is to start thanking God for whoever I am obsessing over or thanking God that I would not do (x,y or z) to a certain person. It absolutely deflates that big fear balloon of emotion. A thankful heart goes a very, very long way! "Enter His gates (prayer) with thanksgiving and His courts with praise (Psalm 100 verse 4) . "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." (Phillipians 4:6)

 

3.) You have to accept you are not going to be a perfect thinker. I have dealt with this for a long time in thinking I have to think perfect thoughts. How ridiculous if you really think about it! This is impossible. The only person who ever was a perfect thinker, who walked this earth, was Jesus Christ. I am humbled by the fact that because we are NOT perfect this is why Jesus had to come and redeem us.

 

4.) One trap I have found over and over again is I can be thinking perfectly "normal" thoughts and then start reflecting back on a previous obsession and all of a sudden those emotions come flooding back. Once I feel that sinking feeling in my stomach again the fear of that obsession hits all over again. I am then back in the trap of thinking about it again for sometimes days and days. So what I have learned is to start warning my emotions. I have even started saying, in my mind of course, "warning, warning, warning I am thinking about an old obsession but don't panic it has already been defeated." One thing I am learning about emotions is they are so unpredictable and they truly are not smart. That's why you can go to a really scary movie and feel absolutely afraid to even go home after the movie is over. Your emotions are believing something is true when in reality it is far from truth.

 

5.) Fear does not think logically. So when I get thinking irrational thoughts its the irrational fear that keeps driving it because logic is not being interjected.

 

6.) I think I would ask myself why does it matter so much to me what my mind can come up with about my sister? Why do I think that my thoughts can affect her existence so greatly? When the reality is she is a creation of God and He loves both you and her so greatly. Ultimately what really matters is what God is thinking. He is why we exist so His opinion certainly would matter the most. If you can remind your fear emotion of this I think it will go a long way.

 

7.) Anxiety does not equal truth! As a matter of fact, I have found anxiety is not even interested in truth.

 

8.) Perhaps a lot of this is driven around the fear that you do not have a sound mind if you cannot get his out of your mind. I know I have had that fear. But when I refocus my thinking on what the definition is of a sound mind, in the Bible, it gives me a whole different perspective. A sound mind in the Bible is someone who can reflect on God's redeeming love through Christ. It is not being able to keep ugly thoughts from ever entering your head.

 

9.) You have to accept that thoughts of someone you love and disgusting thoughts about that person are just periodically going to collide in your mind. That is just part of being human. You are expecting something impossible of yourself if you think you can always think perfect thoughts about your sister.

 

10.) Prior to you starting to have these thoughts were you going through something traumatic? I have found often my obsessive thoughts start up when I am under a lot of stress at work, have had a baby, or am moving. It is almost as if the anxiety of another event sets this stage up for an unwanted thought to occur.

 

11.) My unwanted thoughts ALWAYS revolve around someone I care about and/or something I just cannot emotionally handle. When I can defeat the "thought" with truth it no longer matters to me and the thought goes away. For example you could sit down and list out all the wonderful things your sister has done for you in your life and start telling your emotions these things.

 

12.) The last thing I wanted to suggest, which is the most important, is ask God for direction on this. He ultimately knows the answer for you. He has been so faithful to me and showing and guiding me that I know He will do the same for you.

 

Desperate, I want you to think about something. If I told you under no circumstances do not think about a pink elephant what would happen? You would start thinking about the pink elephant of course. You are telling yourself you cannot think about your sister in these ways so you are setting yourself up for HAVING to think about her this way. You are trying to get around the way our minds are designed. You can not tell yourself to "unthink" something. This is why you have to get truth going in your mind or you will be in an continual cycle of trying to do something that is not possible. That is, trying to forget you ever had these thoughts in the first place! You just simply cannot do that. You were not created to forget those things you find unpleasant. But again being thankful, speaking truth, and having realistic expectations of yourself will help incredibly.

 

There is a great website I wanted to share with you for one particular reason. There is a great part about how our emotions work. Go under the "Real Answers" section and then go under the categories and topics sections. You will see both emotions and fear listed. I just love Bob George. I have learned so much from him. Well he is at http://www.realanswers.net/ .

 

I also wanted to suggest getting a journal or using your computer to start understanding why you are feeling this way. I know this helped me. When my unwanted thoughts get really going I will carry around an index card in my pocket with scriptures and reminders of truth so I can quickly reference them when that anxiety gets going. This has helped a great deal too.

 

Well, desperate, I hope this helps. Perhaps others will have some thoughts to post for you too. I know all this has been real key in my life. I will be praying for you! :wacko:

 

Carolyn N.

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Thank you Carolyn,

 

You cannot even begin to imagine how much your post means to me...May God bless you and give you a happy peaceful life ALWAYS. After writing this post I came on the website every couple of hours to see if anyone had responded and could tell me if this is a symptom of ocd as well, since I dont have the compulsions or even what most other people talk about, being wanting to kill someone etc or thoughts about themselves.

 

I just have continuous thoughts about her, if she says soemthing bad about someone I'll think she's a terrible person and bad things will happen to her etc. If I hear the same thing said from someone else's mouth I wouldn'e eve n think twice about it. And sometimes you get so lost in these thoughts that you cant even think logically for a minute. I wake up every morning dreading the 'thoughts' I will have. I am always tired and lazy.

 

All this really started when I was actually having a lot of work related stress. At the same time I was turning more towards religion and I started having bad thoughts with regards to that, which touch wood diminished after about a month. Also, I had betrayed my sister and told her something I had lied to her about for years at this time...it wasnt really anything HUGE but I felt really bad about it. These are the only events I can think of happenning before these thoughts started. Do you think they could be contributing.

 

I will definetely try your steps and am SO SO SO greatful. Are you or have you ever taken any medications? Does the OCD or rather the thoughts increase with time? Since you have been following the steps you have given me, have you been able to ever truly ignore the thoughts or not have them and live a happy content peaceful life?

 

Once again thank you SO much for all your help!

 

Dear Desperate:

 

I wanted to respond to you because I know exactly what you are referring to. I have had unwanted thoughts on and off since I was seven years old. I have to say that I had been diagnosed with OCD when I was younger. I was very classic OCD around the age of 10 with repeated hand washing and counting. Even though those things are gone I still today, have unwanted thoughts. I want to share with you what has truly helped me overcome this. Let me rest your mind and tell you there is HOPE. I promise! I have to tell you also that I am a Christian and have been since 1993. A lot of what I am sharing with you has come to me through a lot of prayer and reading the Bible. I thank God for giving me the ability to overcome what can be a very frightening experience.

 

1.) What you are battling is not the thought's themselves but the emotion, ANXIETY, that is connected to that thought. For example if I told you to think the same exact thoughts, you are having about your sister, but substitute a differant person like George Washington your emotions would change in feeling and all of a sudden these thoughts would not matter anymore. I promise you it all has to do with the emotion of fear. Fearing thinking such yucky thoughts about someone you love so much.

 

2.) The BIGGEST thing that has helped me, with unwanted thoughts, is to start thanking God for whoever I am obsessing over or thanking God that I would not do (x,y or z) to a certain person. It absolutely deflates that big fear ballon of emotion. A thankful heart goes a very, very long way! "Enter His gates (prayer) with thanksgiving and His courts with praise (Psalm 100 verse 4) . "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." (Phillipians 4:6)

 

3.) You have to accept you are not going to be a perfect thinker. I have dealt with this for a long time in thinking I have to think perfect thoughts. How ridiculous if you really think about it! This is impossible. The only person who ever was a perfect thinker, who walked this earth, was Jesus Christ. I am humbled by the fact that because we are NOT perfect this is why Jesus had to come and redeem us.

 

4.) One trap I have found over and over again is I can be thinking perfectly "normal" thoughts and then start reflecting back on a previous obsession and all of a sudden those emotions come flooding back. Once I feel that sinking feeling in my stomach again the fear of that obsession hits all over again. I am then back in the trap of thinking about it again for sometimes days and days. So what I have learned is to start warning my emotions. I have even started saying, in my mind of course, "warning, warning, warning I am thinking about an old obession but don't panic it has already been defeated." One thing I am learning about emotions is they are so unpredicatble and they truly are not smart. Thats why you can go to a really scary movie and feel absolutely afraid to even go home after the movie is over. Your emotions are believing something is true when in reality it is far from truth.

 

5.) Fear does not think logically. So when I get thinking irrational thoughts its the irrational fear that keeps driving it because logic is not being interjected.

 

6.) I think I would ask myself why does it matter so much to me what my mind can come up with about my sister? Why do I think that my thoughts can affect her existence so greatly? When the reality is she is a creation of God and He loves both you and her so greatly. Ultimately what really matters is what God is thinking. He is why we exist so His opinion certainly would matter the most. If you can remind your fear emotion of this I think it will go a long way.

 

7.) Anxiety does not equal truth! As a matter of fact, I have found anxiety is not even interested in truth.

 

8.) Perhaps a lot of this is driven around the fear that you do not have a sound mind if you cannot get his out of your mind. I know I have had that fear. But when I refocus my thinking on what the definition is of a sound mind, in the Bible, it gives me a whole differant perspective. A sound mind in the Bible is someone who can reflect on God's redeeming love through Christ. It is not being able to keep ugly thoughts from ever entering your head.

 

9.) You have to accept that thoughts of someone you love and disgusting thoughts about that person are just periodically going to collide in your mind. That is just part of being human. You are expecting something impossible of yourself if you think you can always think perfect thoughts about your sister.

 

10.) Prior to you starting to have these thoughts were you going through something tramatic? I have found often my obsessive thoughts start up when I am under a lot of stress at work, have had a baby, or am moving. It is almost as if the anxiety of another event sets this stage up for an unwanted thought to occur.

 

11.) My unwanted thoughts ALWAYS revolve around someone I care about and/or something I just cannot emotionally handle. When I can defeat the "thought" with truth it no longer matters to me and the thought goes away. For example you could sit down and list out all the wonderful things your sister has done for you in your life and start telling your emotions these things.

 

12.) The last thing I wanted to suggest, which is the most important, is ask God for direction on this. He ultimatley knows the answer for you. He has been so faithful to me and showing and guiding me that I know He will do the same for you.

 

Desperate, I want you to think about something. If I told you under no circumstances do not think about a pink elephant what would happen? You would start thinking about the pink elephant of course. You are telling yourself you cannot think about your sister in these ways so you are setting yourself up for HAVING to think about her this way. You are trying to get around the way our minds are designed. You can not tell yourself to "unthink" something. This is why you have to get truth going in your mind or you will be in an continual cycle of trying to do something that is not possible. That is, trying to forget you ever had these thoughts in the first place! You just simply cannot do that. You were not created to forget those things you find unpleasant. But again being thankful, speaking truth, and having realistic expectations of yourself will help incredibly.

 

There is a great website I wanted to share with you for one particular reason. There is a great part about how our emotions work. Go under the "Real Answers" section and then go under the categories and topics sections. You will see both emotions and fear listed. I just love Bob George. I have learned so much from him. Well he is at http://www.realanswers.net/ .

 

I also wanted to suggest getting a journal or using your computer to start understanding why you are feeling this way. I know this helped me. When my unwanted thoughts get really going I will carry around an index card in my pocket with scriptures and reminders of truth so I can quickly reference them when that anxiety gets going. This has helped a great deal too.

 

Well, desperate, I hope this helps. Perhaps others will have some thoughts to post for you too. I know all this has been real key in my life. I will be praying for you! ^_^

 

Carolyn N.

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Dear Desperate,

 

I am so glad that the information I gave you has given you hope. I know exactly what it feels like to feel trapped inside your own head but I also know what it feels like to be freed from these thoughts. Like the Pastor of my church said, the other day, that in our human world we get in these boxes in our heads but God gives us the ability to break that box open and do a dance on it. I love that picture because it is exactly what God has done for me.

 

I know you are wondering if you have OCD. From what you have put in your post it sounds to me that you are just experiencing anxiety turned inward not OCD. Of course this is my opinion. It just happens that your anxiety is focused in on your sister. Believe me your anxiety could have been something else. But for whatever reason it must have been the set of circumstances, in that moment, when it started in your mind.

 

This is part of my story with OCD if it helps you understand OCD better. When I was a child I HAD to do certain rituals or I could not emotionally handle life. For example, I felt compelled to count to 10 to make sure things were turned off or in my mind the item like a stove could not technically be turned off. Everybody knows when you turn a switch it is off, without having to count, but in my mind it had to be done. I also had to wash my hands CONTINUALLY! My hands were bloody. I could not discern when enough was enough and honestly no one even really tried to help me. My mom took me to just a normal doctor but they just gave her a special type of soap that would not be so harsh on my hands. It was not until my early 20's that I went to a doctor who told me I had OCD. It was such a relief to me to know someone knew what was going on. But my counting and hand washing activities ended probably around 14 but the persistent unwanted thoughts would still come and go. I am now in my 30's.

 

I realize now that OCD was a lot of doubt and distrust about myself. This is obviously well known about it. If I had someone to guide me and truly help me, I know it would have helped me greatly. But as a child you obviously don't know where to turn for answers. I also believe I had some medical conditions like lack of magnesium and candida that all contributed into it. I also realize that taking care of your body and also getting the proper medical help is key in helping OCD.

 

I was talking to a couple friends, about the post I did last night to you, and they both said the same thing. They said they have unwanted thoughts too but they are able to file them away as just yucky thoughts. Everybody has unwanted thoughts except, as I stated before, Christ was indeed perfect so He did not. I obviously don't know how much understanding you have about why Christ came to redeem us but He had to do it because ALL of us fall short of perfection ( it is in the book of Romans in the Bible chapter 3 verse 23).

 

I really think the trap comes in when the anxiety hits about having those yucky thoughts and feeling like you have to stop the thoughts from coming. Well like I said in my earlier post it just sets you up for failure because in midst of "TRYING TO FORGET" you are actually bringing on the cycle of remembering them. That is why I kept over and over saying you have to speak truth to your emotions.

 

In regard to whether I have ever used medication, the answer is no. After I became a Christian, which was not long after I was officially diagnosed, I realized that if I kept my eyes focused on God's truths that my anxiety level over these thoughts was minimal to next to nothing. For example focusing on that God is in control and focusing on the fact that this life is not meant to be perfect. We are going to have trials and tribulations. These just really help me get a reality on this life.

 

I have to tell you the joy I have ultimately experienced from God showing me how to defeat these unwanted thoughts, from learning so much about God, and also about myself has made this whole part of my life a blessing. I have been able to help other people, with their anxiety, but I have also been able to literally experience the power of God's truths and that is AMAZING to me. I can honestly say that without this experience, being part of my life, I don't know if I would have grown as much as a Christian. I have been forced into finding the truth and I am SOOOO grateful! I now accept easier that unwanted thoughts are part of life. They may not be fun but I but I now know where to turn for answers.

 

In regard as to whether my unwanted thoughts increase with time, the answer is no. Like I said as long as I stay focused on Christ and His truths I don't have a problem. The Bible is very clear on this it tells us to continually be renewing your mind with God's truth. "Be transformed by the renewing of your mind" (Romans chapter 12 verse 2). I know God put this in the Bible to remind us that it is an everyday thing to stay focused on Him. I am not saying that I don't think about other things other then God, of course I do, but when the reality of the fact that He is in control looses focus in my life I definitely start experiencing anxiety more.

 

By reading my posts I am sure some would think she is just a very religious person. Actually, I am a person who experienced a lot of suffering as a child and also an adult in my own mind. When you can see that God is actually real and He does want to help us you cannot help but talk about Him!!!

 

It would be absolutely unrealistic of me to tell you that either you or I would always live perfectly without ever having anymore unwanted thoughts. Even following the recommendations I have given you. Certainly anxiety is part of our lives and like I said that seems to bring on the unwanted thoughts. I think it is just being aware that in high anxiety times to expect unwanted thoughts and then start doing the things I have shared with you. It is amazing when you put realistic expectations on yourself that you cannot be a "perfect thinker" it makes life a lot easier on yourself.

 

I had mentioned, in my earlier post, to find things to be thankful for your sister and list them. The reason I said this is because anxiety and thankfulness do not coincide together in your mind. So when thankfulness comes in the anxiety goes out.

 

I would be happy to answer any other questions you might have. I don't always check this website every day so if I don't get back to you right away please don't take it personally. I have three wonderful children and sometimes I just don't have the time to get on the computer.

 

God Bless,

 

Carolyn

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Dear Desperate:

 

I was thinking about one more thing. Since I have obviously mentioned God over and over, I thought of something that may help you or someone else. I know that some peoples unwanted thoughts can also center around God. I have experienced this myself. I feel so guilty and burdened down thinking horrible things about Him. All I would want was these thoughts to go away.

 

I have to tell you what I was reminded of is I cannot change who He is with my thoughts. God will and always will be Holy, Righteousness, and Perfect. No matter what horrible yucky thoughts I can come up with. He is unchangeable! I think again this is the trap of these unwanted thoughts. Somehow we think with our thoughts it will change someone or even God but certainly with God this is impossible.

 

Another very important factor regarding this point is this is EXACTLY why Christ came to this earth. We are not perfect people. Christ took the punishment for us. By accepting that He paid the price for you and also asking Him to be your Lord is how God made the way for us into heaven (John chapter 3 verse 16, not to be confused with 1st John, 2nd, John or 3rd John). Again we all fall short of God's perfection but Christ is the perfection (Romans chapter 3 verse 23). It is not what we do but it is what He has done for us (Ephesians chapter 2 verse 8). I love the fact that ultimately God made us to have a relationship with Him. He WANTS to be there for you and He loves us so greatly but He gave us all the freewill to make the decision to ask Him into our lives. He does not force Himself upon you because otherwise that would not be love.

 

Do I live my Christian life perfectly? Absolutely not! I still make mistakes and still get off focus from Him. But I can rest in my hope in Him. I also know "He will never leave me or forsake me" (Deuteronomy chapter 31 verse 6). Its not me that is faithful it is HIM! I can tell you I have absolutely experienced this because I have thought horrible scary thoughts of Him and He still is there guiding me and loving me!

 

In my previous post I had referenced a web sight at http://www.realanswers.net/. It has great scriptures and truths all pertaining to what I am stating. I have learned a lot from Bob George and People to People.

 

I hope this helps if anyone is experiencing unwanted thoughts about God!

 

Carolyn

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Dear Desperate,

I totally understand the feeling of unwanted thoughts, having had them myself in the past. I felt intense shame and that I was a horrible person because I was thinking those thoughts on a constant basis. In reality the thought came into my mind, unbidden, and it caused me so much anxiety and loathing that I tried my best from then on to banish it from my mind, which of course, like Carolyn said, made it stick in my thoughts even more, to the point that is all I thought about all day long. I am a Christian too and so I was on a continual loop of, have the unwanted thought, ask forgiveness for the thought, have the unwanted thought, ask forgiveness for the thought, over and over again, all day long! My obsession was the bad thought, my compulsion, was asking forgiveness, or, "mentally washing my hands," so to speak, to cleanse myself. I want to tell you what the thought was, because it holds no power over me today, and it was pretty bad. That I would sexually molest a child. I began avoiding my nieces and nephews because my emotions of fear and anxiety were all tied up together and I became afraid I would do what those thoughts were saying. The next thought I had was to blaspheme the Holy Ghost, because it says every sin can be forgiven, except the sin of blaspheming the Holy Ghost. I finally figured out years later my mind was latching onto the two things, that in my mind were the worst things a person could possibly do, and because of my fear and loathing of them, making them giants in my mind! I only tried a few medicines for a short time, and I credit God and prayer with my freedom today! There were other things involved, like being a member of a strict church, and having lots of rules to follow, to supposedly, make me holy. When I started questioning those rules and God began setting me free from legalism, (trying to make myself worthy in his eyes,) that further helped my healing! I will not rule out meds, or alternative treatments, or whatever works, but I believe if you give the anxiety of having these thoughts over to God, you will be much speeded on your recovery! You are in my prayers,

Kalinda

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Kalinda,

 

What a wonderful source of encouragement of seeing God do the same in your life as mine. I know, in my heart, that A LOT of peoples unwanted thoughts come from knowing God is perfect and we are trying to be perfect for Him to not "get Him upset at us and be forgiven before Him". You are absolutely right it is completely legalistic (meaning we are coming up with ways to try to be perfect before God) and does not take into account God's grace. He showed that grace in the most amazing way through sending Jesus Christ to take the burden of our sin.

 

I think of a lot of unwanted fear also comes from not understanding that we are indeed forgiven people when we ask Jesus to be our Savior and Lord! In the book of Colossians, in the Bible, chapter 2 verses 13 to 15 it says "When you were dead in your sins and in the uncircumcision of your sinful nature, God made you alive with Christ. He forgave us all our sins, having canceled the written code, with its regulations, that was against us and that stood opposed to us; he took it away, nailing it to the cross. And having disarmed the powers and authorities, He made a public spectacle of them, triumphing over them by the cross". So what this is saying is Christ died for the sins of the whole world past, present, and future. The only thing that we can do is accept that we needed Him to do this for us and asking Him to be Lord of our lives.

 

I also have to tell you that I have struggled so much with unwanted thoughts about hurting people including my own children. But what I have realized, for me, is it actually came down to distrust in God's workmanship of creating me. What I mean by this is God gave us imaginations and so we are able to think all kinds of thoughts. Some are happy some are yucky. It is when the yucky thought comes in and you think "what would keep me from doing this yucky thought to someone (in my case hurting my own children in various ways)." What God opened up in my mind is He created our brains and our bodies in such a masterful way that just because we have a thought does not mean it will be acted out. We have a VERY complex Creator who knows how to make a brain that will keep us from doing things we don't want to do to others even though the thought entered our heads! He created us in such a way that just because our imagination thinks something does not make our bodies do that particular action. How this all works only He ultimately understands. Having faith in the way He created us and resting in Him goes such a long, long way.

 

Psalm 139, in the Bible, verses 13 to 14 says "For you created my inmost being' you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful." We are His masterpieces in His creation. We can take such rejoicing in this.

 

God Bless,

 

Carolyn

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I just wanted to thank you both for your responses and good advise. It really helps to even hear that this isn't me and that there is hope. This is the first time I have even been able to talk about it to this extent and it feels like a burden has been lifted off me. I had a bit of an outburst today as I was inundated with a lot of thoughts but am doing much better now...I'm exhausted though. Thank you again for your responses. Please pray that I get better as well.

 

Dear Desperate,

I totally understand the feeling of unwanted thoughts, having had them myself in the past. I felt intense shame and that I was a horrible person because I was thinking those thoughts on a constant basis. In reality the thought came into my mind, unbidden, and it caused me so much anxiety and loathing that I tried my best from then on to banish it from my mind, which of course, like Carolyn said, made it stick in my thoughts even more, to the point that is all I thought about all day long. I am a Christian too and so I was on a continual loop of, have the unwanted thought, ask forgiveness for the thought, have the unwanted thought, ask forgiveness for the thought, over and over again, all day long! My obsession was the bad thought, my compulsion, was asking forgiveness, or, "mentally washing my hands," so to speak, to cleanse myself. I want to tell you what the thought was, because it holds no power over me today, and it was pretty bad. That I would sexually molest a child. I began avoiding my nieces and nephews because my emotions of fear and anxiety were all tied up together and I became afraid I would do what those thoughts were saying. The next thought I had was to blaspheme the Holy Ghost, because it says every sin can be forgiven, except the sin of blaspheming the Holy Ghost. I finally figured out years later my mind was latching onto the two things, that in my mind were the worst things a person could possibly do, and because of my fear and loathing of them, making them giants in my mind! I only tried a few medicines for a short time, and I credit God and prayer with my freedom today! There were other things involved, like being a member of a strict church, and having lots of rules to follow, to supposedly, make me holy. When I started questioning those rules and God began setting me free from legalism, (trying to make myself worthy in his eyes,) that further helped my healing! I will not rule out meds, or alternative treatments, or whatever works, but I believe if you give the anxiety of having these thoughts over to God, you will be much speeded on your recovery! You are in my prayers,

Kalinda

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Desperate,

 

I will absolutely be praying for you. Just try to realize that even if you feel that you have overcome this do not be surprised if the emotion of anxiety does resurface. I have found this to happen to me. But once again I remind myself of truth and it goes away. So don't put pressure on yourself that you have to get over this quickly.

 

God sometimes shows us our errors in our thinking slowly so we can take it in and heal from it. We are very complicated people but He knows us inside and out and He knows exactly what to do for us when we seek Him for answers. I have even found that this process of healing can really feel uncomfortable, in the midst, but it is so well worth it in the end.

 

Carolyn

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Dear Desperate:

 

I was thinking about one more thing. Since I have obviously mentioned God over and over, I thought of something that may help you or someone else. I know that some peoples unwanted thoughts can also center around God. I have experienced this myself. I feel so guilty and burdened down thinking horrible things about Him. All I would want was these thoughts to go away.

 

I have to tell you what I was reminded of is I cannot change who He is with my thoughts. God will and always will be Holy, Righteousness, and Perfect. No matter what horrible yucky thoughts I can come up with. He is unchangeable! I think again this is the trap of these unwanted thoughts. Somehow we think with our thoughts it will change someone or even God but certainly with God this is impossible.

 

Another very important factor regarding this point is this is EXACTLY why Christ came to this earth. We are not perfect people. Christ took the punishment for us. By accepting that He paid the price for you and also asking Him to be your Lord is how God made the way for us into heaven (John chapter 3 verse 16, not to be confused with 1st John, 2nd, John or 3rd John). Again we all fall short of God's perfection but Christ is the perfection (Romans chapter 3 verse 23). It is not what we do but it is what He has done for us (Ephesians chapter 2 verse 8). I love the fact that ultimately God made us to have a relationship with Him. He WANTS to be there for you and He loves us so greatly but He gave us all the freewill to make the decision to ask Him into our lives. He does not force Himself upon you because otherwise that would not be love.

 

Do I live my Christian life perfectly? Absolutely not! I still make mistakes and still get off focus from Him. But I can rest in my hope in Him. I also know "He will never leave me or forsake me" (Deuteronomy chapter 31 verse 6). Its not me that is faithful it is HIM! I can tell you I have absolutely experienced this because I have thought horrible scary thoughts of Him and He still is there guiding me and loving me!

 

In my previous post I had referenced a web sight at http://www.realanswers.net/. It has great scriptures and truths all pertaining to what I am stating. I have learned a lot from Bob George and People to People.

 

I hope this helps if anyone is experiencing unwanted thoughts about God!

 

Carolyn

Dear Carolyn, I really wantd to thank you for your posts. I have unwanted thoughts against God. Really icky disgusting thoughts. I became so overwhemed all i wantd to do was sleep. Just to get away. I felt totally trapped. Basically i began screaming to myslf in my head to SHUT UP. With every bad thought, i asked God to forgive me. I couldnt concerntrate, or eat. I thought i was going crazy. I even had a plan of chking into a mental hospital. I prayed about this alot. Then Carolyn i found you. I thank God for you. I know that he led me to you.

Thank you. God Bless

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