The Kvetching Ring - Interesting Article

[T_Anna]

So a family member pulled me aside during my son's celebration yesterday. He said his wife, a social worker, is really good and can "really" help with DS's OCD/issues. "Would it be OK, if she walks over to the house now?" I'm not close with this woman, AT ALL (think cold war), and had left my personal troubles at home with DS (unable to attend) so that I could concentrate and focus on being happy for my middle son. That was the plan and DS15 was the pone promoting the agenda (he texted "please spend time with DS13 and be there for his special day").

 

It was an inappropriate offer and at an inappropriate time/day/place. I complained to a close friend who lost her husband to cancer a few years back and she told me about this theory of the "Kvetching Ring" I have printed it for all my whole family, and figured it might be helpful for fellow PANDAS sufferers.

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ttp://articles.latimes.com/2013/apr/07/opinion/la-oe-0407-silk-ring-theory-20130407

 

How not to say the wrong thing
- April 07, 2013|Susan Silk and Barry Goldman

It works in all kinds of crises – medical, legal, even existential. It's the 'Ring Theory' of kvetching. The first rule is comfort in, dump out.

When Susan had breast cancer, we heard a lot of lame remarks, but our favorite came from one of Susan's colleagues. She wanted, she needed, to visit Susan after the surgery, but Susan didn't feel like having visitors, and she said so. Her colleague's response? "This isn't just about you."

“It's not?" Susan wondered. "My breast cancer is not about me? It's about you?"

The same theme came up again when our friend Katie had a brain aneurysm. She was in intensive care for a long time and finally got out and into a step-down unit. She was no longer covered with tubes and lines and monitors, but she was still in rough shape. A friend came and saw her and then stepped into the hall with Katie's husband, Pat. "I wasn't prepared for this," she told him. "I don't know if I can handle it."

This woman loves Katie, and she said what she did because the sight of Katie in this condition moved her so deeply. But it was the wrong thing to say. And it was wrong in the same way Susan's colleague's remark was wrong.

Susan has since developed a simple technique to help people avoid this mistake. It works for all kinds of crises: medical, legal, financial, romantic, even existential. She calls it the Ring Theory.

Draw a circle. This is the center ring. In it, put the name of the person at the center of the current trauma. For Katie's aneurysm, that's Katie. Now draw a larger circle around the first one. In that ring put the name of the person next closest to the trauma. In the case of Katie's aneurysm, that was Katie's husband, Pat. Repeat the process as many times as you need to. In each larger ring put the next closest people. Parents and children before more distant relatives. Intimate friends in smaller rings, less intimate friends in larger ones. When you are done you have a Kvetching Order. One of Susan's patients found it useful to tape it to her refrigerator.

Here are the rules. The person in the center ring can say anything she wants to anyone, anywhere. She can kvetch and complain and whine and moan and curse the heavens and say, "Life is unfair" and "Why me?" That's the one payoff for being in the center ring.

Everyone else can say those things too, but only to people in larger rings.

When you are talking to a person in a ring smaller than yours, someone closer to the center of the crisis, the goal is to help. Listening is often more helpful than talking. But if you're going to open your mouth, ask yourself if what you are about to say is likely to provide comfort and support. If it isn't, don't say it. Don't, for example, give advice. People who are suffering from trauma don't need advice. They need comfort and support. So say, "I'm sorry" or "This must really be hard for you" or "Can I bring you a pot roast?" Don't say, "You should hear what happened to me" or "Here's what I would do if I were you." And don't say, "This is really bringing me down."

If you want to scream or cry or complain, if you want to tell someone how shocked you are or how icky you feel, or whine about how it reminds you of all the terrible things that have happened to you lately, that's fine. It's a perfectly normal response. Just do it to someone in a bigger ring.

Comfort IN, dump OUT.

There was nothing wrong with Katie's friend saying she was not prepared for how horrible Katie looked, or even that she didn't think she could handle it. The mistake was that she said those things to Pat. She dumped IN.

Complaining to someone in a smaller ring than yours doesn't do either of you any good. On the other hand, being supportive to her principal caregiver may be the best thing you can do for the patient.

Most of us know this. Almost nobody would complain to the patient about how rotten she looks. Almost no one would say that looking at her makes them think of the fragility of life and their own closeness to death. In other words, we know enough not to dump into the center ring. Ring Theory merely expands that intuition and makes it more concrete: Don't just avoid dumping into the center ring, avoid dumping into any ring smaller than your own.

Remember, you can say whatever you want if you just wait until you're talking to someone in a larger ring than yours.
And don't worry. You'll get your turn in the center ring. You can count on that.

Susan Silk is a clinical psychologist. Barry Goldman is an arbitrator and mediator and the author of "The Science of Settlement: Ideas for Negotiators."

[rowingmom]

Thanks for this. No more guessing, just figure out which ring you're in. I especially like the "no advice" part.

[Dedee]

Oh, I love that. Some people have no social skills. Really, I want to know how you handled the situation. How rude......

 

Dedee

[bigmighty]

Okay, can I just say "eek!" that someone would take the focus off of the bar mitzvah. How inappropriate. I'd have been inclined to have responded with "Wow, I had no idea your wife had an expertise in exposure and response prevention. It's very rare that social workers have that specialized training. My son is not available today, but assuming that your wife really has all of the necessary prerequisites, I'm sure he'd be happy to interview her as a possible specialist."

 

But, of course, in the middle of a busy day of celebrating, I probably would just have been left speechless.....

 

So sorry you had to endure that.

[Hrosenkrantz]

People want to help but they have no idea how.

[T_Anna]

It came up twice. The second time my father was behind me and said I was very diplomatic (see, PANDAS has taught me something). Basically, I said thank you, but I am concentrating on the medical aspects of the illness at the moment. That we are hoping that some of the behaviors will subside and then we Willet them know if we need help. Unfortunately, I work with this family member and it came up again today. So I printed the article and he asked to take home a copy : )

 

Oy!!

 

Maybe I'm heartless, but I was really able to enjoy the celebration and be with close and supportive family & friends...ok, with one exception.

 

T.Anna

[T_Anna]

Oops double post

Edited September 3, 2013 by T.Anna

[Dedee]

I think you were very gracious. And honestly, the previous poster is probably right, I get my feathers ruffled, but some people do really just want to help and honestly have not idea how. So you can take it in that light, that they care about your family and want the best for your son. At least they aren't saying they don't believe there is a medical component. Hopefully she will take the hint and back off.

 

One of my sister's had just been a by stander in all of this with my kids until she actually had to experience my daughter in a rage by herself without me around. She never doubted me before but wasn't quite my biggest supporter either. After that experience, she all the sudden was full of advice for things I should be trying. Well of course it was things we had tried for years. We had already pulled all those rabbits out of the hat. It was hard for me not to say "Gee, why didn't I think of that YEARS AGO?" But she suddenly realized what I went through daily and in her heart was trying to help. Somehow, I managed to keep my mouth shut. Not an easy task for me.

 

Good luck with your little sticky situation.

 

Dedee

[bigmighty]

I have shared this article with a few people http://thewalrus.ca/a-feverish-debate/

[JoyBop]

That is brilliant!! Thanks for sharing. And his amazing that your son was able to ask you to go and celebrate his brother. Even though he may still be struggling it sounds like there is some beautiful breakthrough moments.