Homework/School Work

[StillHopeful]

Hi -

 

My son (12 years old) has not been able to go to school consistently this year or the end of last year and it is becoming a real problem since he is getting behind in his work. He will do about 10 mins of work at home (with me) and then start freaking out that it is too hard and I don't understand and he can't do it. I am really concerned that he doesn't seem to be able to get his work done. At first I thought it was behavioral or that he was being lazy but now I think he has a real issue. Has anyone else had the same experience and what did you do? Thank you very much for your help!

Edited October 21, 2012 by Ngold24

[MomWithOCDSon]

Yes, we had this same phenomenon going on with our DS for quite a while during the depth of his PANDAS. Even now (more than 2 years later), if he's in a flare or experiencing a lot of built-up stress in general, he will become easily overwhelmed by some homework assignments, especially those involving math. Which is ironic, really, considering he's always been in advanced math classes and, outside of exacerbation, he demonstrates almost prodigy-range capabilities in the subject.

 

Anyway, as to whether it is part of the PANDAS and/or purely behavioral, in our experience, it becomes a marriage of both. The brain is genuinely dysfunctional . . . scrambled, disorganized, inattentive . . . and thus holding focus on many/most assignments is truly painful for them. Add to that the frustration because they know it hasn't always been this hard, and then the self-flaggelation for being "stupid" or "slow," and they develop a real aversion to the whole effort. So then the avoidance behavior (classic in many cases of OCD) kicks in full bore, and it all becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. He avoids homework because it's hard and frustrating, and the homework continues to be hard and frustrating because he's been avoiding it.

 

It takes a lot of concerted effort on everyone's part, but we've found that the best way to nick away at this behavior is to build a model for success, brick by brick, if necessary. We sat down with our DS and had a very frank discussion about it all: you know the work has to get done, you know you're capable of doing it. But it's harder right now because your brain is trying to recover from being ill, so you have to cut yourself some slack and just know that you can get through this, we will help you, and it doesn't all have to happen in one day, but it does have to happen. Then we made a "doable" plan . . . one which had success built into it so that, over time, the frustration would be the exception rather than the rule.

 

Here're some tips I would suggest:

 

1. Work with the school/cirriculum program to weed out "busy work" and repetitive assignments, allowing you and your DS to focus on the "meat" of the material. That's usually more interesting and engaging for our bright kids, anyway, and helps limit the repetition that they find trying and painful.
   
2. Our DS, too, had an aptitude for the computer. But you can turn this into an asset. Allow him to keyboard assignments rather than handwriting them, for instance. Handwriting can be harder for our kids because of the small motor skills and concentration it requires, plus if they have OCD, the unending process of writing, erasing, writing, erasing can consume all the valuable learning time.
   
3. If your DS opens his math book to an assignment, for instance, and is instantly overwhelmed by the number of problems he's been assigned, or just the look of all the work on the page, help him narrow it down to "just one." He can either copy a single problem down on a piece of paper, and then work on it alone, with the book closed, or you can create a "filter" with a piece of construction paper. Just cut out a rectangle large enough to reveal one problem at a time, while covering up the rest of the page. This can help filter out all the "noise" on the page that can lead our kids to flip out or tune out.
   
4. If he has reading assignments to do, like a novel, consider using books on tape. They can follow along in the written book if they like, but at least the reader helps keep them on pace and takes some of the pressure off them looking at "this chapter has 42 pages!"
   
5. Decide in advance with your DS how long he thinks it might take him to complete one assignment, or even just one problem. If you think he's being a little unrealistic, stretch the time a bit or shrink it a bit in the interest of either giving him the best chance for success within the timeframe or, if he's doing better, pushing him along a little faster and more efficiently.
   
6. Allow frequent breaks in the work period; our DS used to like rolling around for a few minutes on a yoga ball, and then he could come back to the work. Work on stretching out the number of questions he answers or the length of time spent working between breaks as he improves.
   
7. If he's having trouble with a subject or a math problem, help him break it down into manageable "bits." Sit by his side while he works, not to hassle him or do it for him, but so that he knows you're literally there to support him. If, like our DS, he starts to complain that he can't remember how to do something, remind him that he does know. Ask him what the next step is, and once he's come through that, ask him what the next one is.
   
8. Encourage your DS to involve more than one sense, more than one skill, in the process of working on an assignment. Ask him to read out loud, and/or explain to you why he's doing what when working through a math problem. Encourage him to let you be his student for the moment, and/or to read out loud, speak what he's writing down out loud, etc. Sometimes involving more than one sense and/or skill can help them organize their thoughts better.
   

 

But most of all, don't let him give up, at least not entirely. Some things may have to be "deprioritized." Some things may have to wait. Some things may take longer than they used to or "should." But he needs to know that he can do it, and that he just has to keep trying, gain a little ground, inch by inch, every day or every week or every month.

 

Hang in there!

Edited October 2, 2012 by MomWithOCDSon

[DeterminedMomVA]

Mom withOCD son: Thank you! We are running into the same problem, and those tips are invaluable.

Edited October 2, 2012 by DeterminedMomVA

[LNN]

My son has the same "I can't do this" "I don't get it!!!!" complaints when flaring. When he's healthy, no issues.

 

Here are a few ideas to add to Nancy's list:

1. My son loves his yoga ball. This year, we moved homework over to a coffee table instead of a dining room table. This allows him to sit and roll on the ball while doing homework. It distracts me, but it helps him. And since it's not me who needs to be able to do the homework, I try to just deal. Chewing gum also helps.

 

2. Ask if your son can do math homework on math websites instead of writing on worksheets. Some sites allow you to track progress online, some allow you to print out reports. Even on the ones that don't, you sometimes get a summary page at the end like "Congratulations - you got 29 out of 30 problems correct". You can do a screen print of that and send it in as evidence of completion.

Here are some good sites our school district uses:

http://www.livebinders.com/play/play?id=511851

https://www.xtramath.org/ (my son doesn't like this one - it has timed tests, which stress him out - but the school loves it because it stresses "automaticity" and quick recall)

http://www.abcya.com/

http://www.khanacademy.org/exercisedashboard

http://www.math-drills.com/ (I like this site)

 

3. Do homework in small chunks. Maybe 10 min at a time, with breaks in-between. Maybe have him do yoga on a break, or give him a back massage or foot/hand massage. My son loves it when I run my hands over his scalp (you know that great feeling when you get your hair washed at a salon?). If he's having hyperactivity, let him squeeze a tennis ball or fidget with a rubber band while you give the massage. This stuff helps us pace ourselves and keeps us both from getting too frustrated.

 

4. The best strategy I've adopted this year is that I've stopped arguing about homework. When DS comes home, he wants to go brain dead and push all the homework into the back end of the night, after dinner. But there's too much to do this and I have another child who wants my attention. So this year, I've told him I am available between 4:30-5:00 pm and 6:30-7:00 pm. If he's applying himself during these times and needs more than the half hour I've set aside, I will extend it. But I will not be at his beckon call and available whenever he decides he's ready to tackle the work. I have "office hours". If he chooses to do homework at another time, that's fine. But he'll do it alone. The beauty of this is that we both know he wants my help when he's flaring. But this way, the decision is his. I'm not forcing him to do anything. I merely lay out my availability and then he decides whether to do work then or face the natural consequences of inaction. It stops me from being a bad guy or a dictator. It puts the responsibility on him, where it belongs, even during a flair.

 

So you are not alone. It's a really hard balance between understanding their brains aren't working yet not allowing them to quit.

[smartyjones]

you already have 2 of the most informed moms giving you good ideas. last year, ds10 was on hometeaching after struggling in school - not really things that couldn't/shouldn't have been worked out but we were in disastrous situation with administration with ds8. . i had long wondered about ds10 and zinc -- way back to our pre-pandas days (remember those?) and ds was extremely picky eater.

 

we tried zicam chewables and he had a much easier time focusing when the teacher came to work with him. she noticed it before i mentioned there was a reason. i am not sure if there are any issues with long-term zicam use -- other than it getting pricey. what we were using is a homeopathic substance - but i am not sure b/c we weren't really using it for it's intended use - so that would be a good thing to check out if you were going to try it.

 

now, he is on a supplement that he takes with dinner. his general focus seems much better.

[StillHopeful]

WOW! Thank you for your words of wisdom and all the practical advice MomwithOCDson and LLM. I feel so much better now. I was putting way too much pressure on my DS and expecting him to handle his work "as usual" when he obviously can't. I actually feel motivated to work with him instead of feeling the normal dread! My son is also bright and very good at math. It was his favorite subject. I am going to try some of those websites that LLM recommended and see if my school dist uses any of them. It is funny that both of you mentioned a yoga ball. I guess I'll be adding that to my shopping list.

 

 

Smaryjones -- interestingly enough, I was just looking at all my old supplements this am that I used during my DS last major flare up (Feb/Mar). (I think we are just towards the end of it now but it's exacerbated by school so it feels worse). Did your son like the taste of the Zicam? Did it upset his stomach? My DS is starting to get a cold (great) so maybe it will help with that.

[LNN]

Be cautious with any long term use of a nasal spray containing zinc. It may cause a loss of smell.

 

If you see positive results from zinc supplementation, you may want to read up on pyroluria, which causes zinc/B6 deficiencies. My DS and I both have the condition and the supplements make a huge difference in DSs cognitive abilities. Huge. It's a $70 urine test. PM me if you want info.

 

As Smarty mentioned, a zinc deficiency (from pyroluria or just a diet deficiency) can cause a loss of taste and is also a possible cause of eating disorders. I have some fascinating stuff on that as well.

 

The yoga ball idea actually came from the school. They have kids who sit on the balls in class. Sometimes even the kids without special needs get jealous and want to use them.

 

As for walking the homework tightrope, Smarty makes it sound like Nancy and I have it all figured out. No, we use lots of Clairol to hide the gray hairs we've suffered over this topic. We've both been at this a long time and I can't speak for her, but I still screw it up sometimes. If it makes you feel any better, I blogged about this topic and my own failures a few months ago:

 

I just could not wrap my brain around how I could accept “as-is” and fight for what “could be” at the same time. It felt like trying to grasp the sound of one hand clapping.

 

And yet, that is exactly what my son needed me to do. He had always given me his best. He had gone along with every painful and difficult thing I had ever asked of him. He had fought this battle with me with all his heart and had grown into an amazing, insightful and courageous young man in the process. I always thought I had given him my best, too. But not really. What I had done up to that point was given him the things that were easy for me to give. I gave my time, my ruthless “warrior mom” fight to get him well; I gave our financial resources and my intellectual abilities. But I had not given him the thing that was so very hard for me to give. It was time for me to stop sending the subliminal message that he wasn’t enough, that he had to dig deeper and become smarter, more determined, more of something he was not in that exact moment. I had to figure out how to accept – truly accept – him where he was at that moment and love him and praise him and celebrate with him, without secretly hoping for something more. He deserved that from me and after all he had been through, I had better figure out how to be there for him in the way he needed, not in the way I needed.

 

Now, on the other hand, I also have higher expectations when he's well. The hardest part is figuring out when that is. When someone figures that one out, let me know!

[airial95]

My daughter is younger (1st grade) but we've also already dealt with many of those issues. We had this happen particularly with reading - she's an excellent reader, far above grade level, but when it came to do the nightly reading assignment (that we had to sign off on - don't trust Kindergarteners/1st graders to do it I guess...) she would get very upset, she doesn't know the words, etc...

 

We have implemented some of the same tricks already mentioned here - but one thing that I discovered this year that helped us was actually leaving her alone to do her work. When she would get anxious - in the past I was always right there to help her work through it, etc...

 

I found that if I wasn't hovering there offering help - she'd still struggle through the anxiety, but could make it through on her own. It was almost as if I made things worse.

 

We have also "gamed" the system on some things...like her reading assignments - based on the advice of her Aunt (a 1st grade teacher) and her K teacher from last year - if it's a choice based assignment (she decides what to read for 20 min/day), don't force it - log what she does read - instructions from a new game, subtitles on the TV with the sound off (we use this trick often when we're on the phone - ironically, we have a lot of work phone calls to catch up on that we can't leave the room for when she refuses to read!!!) The goal of the assignment is to get them reading - yes, it would be great if it would be actual books - but if my 6-yo kid can read the epilepsy warning that comes on at the beginning of her brothers video games - and understand it enough to ask about epilepsy - I think she's okay.

 

Edit: We've also asked for "busy work" - or assignments for repetition vs. concepts be limited or eliminated during flares - this also helps alot - can't remember if anyone else mentioned it!

Edited October 2, 2012 by airial95

[MomWithOCDSon]

you already have 2 of the most informed moms giving you good ideas. last year, ds10 was on hometeaching after struggling in school - not really things that couldn't/shouldn't have been worked out but we were in disastrous situation with administration with ds8. . i had long wondered about ds10 and zinc -- way back to our pre-pandas days (remember those?) and ds was extremely picky eater.

 

we tried zicam chewables and he had a much easier time focusing when the teacher came to work with him. she noticed it before i mentioned there was a reason. i am not sure if there are any issues with long-term zicam use -- other than it getting pricey. what we were using is a homeopathic substance - but i am not sure b/c we weren't really using it for it's intended use - so that would be a good thing to check out if you were going to try it.

 

now, he is on a supplement that he takes with dinner. his general focus seems much better.

 

We, too, have found that zinc supplementation helps focus. There're a number of papers on-line to that effect, as well (hello, Google! ). Sort of like Smarty, we discovered the positive impact "by accident" when we gave DS a Zicam because we thought he was coming down with a cold.

 

Now we use OptiZinc by SolaRay which is supposedly an optimally bio-available zinc supplement; he gets one twice each day.

[MomWithOCDSon]

As for walking the homework tightrope, Smarty makes it sound like Nancy and I have it all figured out. No, we use lots of Clairol to hide the gray hairs we've suffered over this topic. We've both been at this a long time and I can't speak for her, but I still screw it up sometimes. If it makes you feel any better, I blogged about this topic and my own failures a few months ago:

 

 

Oh heavens no, I do NOT have it all figured out, by any means! And I should buy stock in Clairol!

 

Fact is, even when you're stubborn as an old goat (present company included), time will inevitably teach you one or two things, and like LLM said, I've been at this a very long time now! I also have had the very great benefit of some wonderful teachers who genuinely wanted to see DS excel and they shared their experience and wisdom with me, as well as having been poking around on boards like this one for a few years.

 

I screw up . . . almost daily. Let's face it . . . once you think you've got it figured out, your kid goes through another phase and the strategies that worked so well a few months ago don't work anymore, or he's contending with some new issue that you've not encountered before. Dare I say that it's frequently a "cr@% shoot"?!?! Hang in there, though, and you'll figure out what works for your kid!

[EmilyK]

We hear the same from DS but a little less if we get the writing done on the computer rather than by hand. Part of his difficulty is sustaining attention plus slower processing speed when in a flare up. He does best in his room with quiet and good lighting and keeping his brother quiet and away. I keep trying to remind myself of how my brain just doesn't work when I have bad allergies or a severe sinus infection which is hardly a full comparison but the closest experience I have to empathize with what he's feeling. He resists using any bookmark or paper window to help himself focus on a section at a time, but I think it would help if he did. All students in his class keep a daily homework notebook that the teacher helps them fill out - it's got a premade M-F outline and they fill in next to math and reading following her model. That's a life-saver for us and I like how it teaches all the students to keep daily notes of what they need to do at home. They also have predictable homework reading routines each week, so he knows what to expect.

 

I love LLM's office hours idea.

 

Good luck!

[StillHopeful]

Everyone has such great ideas. Thank you for sharing them. I am going to try to print this out so I can refer to them. Unfortuatley my DS has not been able to attend school and we are requesting home-bound instruction. Scary step for me but necessary for him. I haven't met with his school yet. I hope we don't have a huge fight about it. At this point he is not being educated so they are going to have to do something.

 

LLM- Interesting info about the pyroluria. I looked it up on google. I have a lot of the symptoms (although no eating disorder or lack of taste). Wouldn't low zinc show up in a blood test?

 

BTW I love your blog! I feel very similar.

[croatian mum]

Yes, we had this same phenomenon going on with our DS for quite a while during the depth of his PANDAS. Even now (more than 2 years later), if he's in a flare or experiencing a lot of built-up stress in general, he will become easily overwhelmed by some homework assignments, especially those involving math. Which is ironic, really, considering he's always been in advanced math classes and, outside of exacerbation, he demonstrates almost prodigy-range capabilities in the subject.

 

Anyway, as to whether it is part of the PANDAS and/or purely behavioral, in our experience, it becomes a marriage of both. The brain is genuinely dysfunctional . . . scrambled, disorganized, inattentive . . . and thus holding focus on many/most assignments is truly painful for them. Add to that the frustration because they know it hasn't always been this hard, and then the self-flaggelation for being "stupid" or "slow," and they develop a real aversion to the whole effort. So then the avoidance behavior (classic in many cases of OCD) kicks in full bore, and it all becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. He avoids homework because it's hard and frustrating, and the homework continues to be hard and frustrating because he's been avoiding it.

 

It takes a lot of concerted effort on everyone's part, but we've found that the best way to nick away at this behavior is to build a model for success, brick by brick, if necessary. We sat down with our DS and had a very frank discussion about it all: you know the work has to get done, you know you're capable of doing it. But it's harder right now because your brain is trying to recover from being ill, so you have to cut yourself some slack and just know that you can get through this, we will help you, and it doesn't all have to happen in one day, but it does have to happen. Then we made a "doable" plan . . . one which had success built into it so that, over time, the frustration would be the exception rather than the rule.

 

Here're some tips I would suggest:

 

1. Work with the school/cirriculum program to weed out "busy work" and repetitive assignments, allowing you and your DS to focus on the "meat" of the material. That's usually more interesting and engaging for our bright kids, anyway, and helps limit the repetition that they find trying and painful.
   
2. Our DS, too, had an aptitude for the computer. But you can turn this into an asset. Allow him to keyboard assignments rather than handwriting them, for instance. Handwriting can be harder for our kids because of the small motor skills and concentration it requires, plus if they have OCD, the unending process of writing, erasing, writing, erasing can consume all the valuable learning time.
   
3. If your DS opens his math book to an assignment, for instance, and is instantly overwhelmed by the number of problems he's been assigned, or just the look of all the work on the page, help him narrow it down to "just one." He can either copy a single problem down on a piece of paper, and then work on it alone, with the book closed, or you can create a "filter" with a piece of construction paper. Just cut out a rectangle large enough to reveal one problem at a time, while covering up the rest of the page. This can help filter out all the "noise" on the page that can lead our kids to flip out or tune out.
   
4. If he has reading assignments to do, like a novel, consider using books on tape. They can follow along in the written book if they like, but at least the reader helps keep them on pace and takes some of the pressure off them looking at "this chapter has 42 pages!"
   
5. Decide in advance with your DS how long he thinks it might take him to complete one assignment, or even just one problem. If you think he's being a little unrealistic, stretch the time a bit or shrink it a bit in the interest of either giving him the best chance for success within the timeframe or, if he's doing better, pushing him along a little faster and more efficiently.
   
6. Allow frequent breaks in the work period; our DS used to like rolling around for a few minutes on a yoga ball, and then he could come back to the work. Work on stretching out the number of questions he answers or the length of time spent working between breaks as he improves.
   
7. If he's having trouble with a subject or a math problem, help him break it down into manageable "bits." Sit by his side while he works, not to hassle him or do it for him, but so that he knows you're literally there to support him. If, like our DS, he starts to complain that he can't remember how to do something, remind him that he does know. Ask him what the next step is, and once he's come through that, ask him what the next one is.
   
8. Encourage your DS to involve more than one sense, more than one skill, in the process of working on an assignment. Ask him to read out loud, and/or explain to you why he's doing what when working through a math problem. Encourage him to let you be his student for the moment, and/or to read out loud, speak what he's writing down out loud, etc. Sometimes involving more than one sense and/or skill can help them organize their thoughts better.
   

 

But most of all, don't let him give up, at least not entirely. Some things may have to be "deprioritized." Some things may have to wait. Some things may take longer than they used to or "should." But he needs to know that he can do it, and that he just has to keep trying, gain a little ground, inch by inch, every day or every week or every month.

 

Hang in there!

 

thank You! You have helped us too!!We have the same problem (12 yo son); and it's so frustrating for both of us. And here in Craotia they have so much homework, that it takes us up to 5-6 hours to do things which can be done in 1 hour.

So, it's really motivating because today was the day when I tought that it's time to give up..To let him not to learn or do homework because it was a battlefield! But, I won't!