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Not sure if this is the right place to post this, but your prayers already boosted us through one tough thing this week, why not two?!

 

I could tell by the expression on my son's face as he walked toward the car that he had a crappy day. He gets in the car and just starts venting about how mean the kids are to him and how they make fun of our last name (Cobb). Yesterday, another sixth grader started kneeing him in the back as he was seated at lunch and telling DS how that was his seat. Finally, my son pushed him away. Vice principal pulled the other kid away and put him in lunch detention. No apology to DS or after school detention.

 

Another kid yelled in his ear, which given his hearing sensitivity, which is torture. This is not the first or only incident. He is so depressed anyway, this just adds to it. He cried after school. My husband put a call into the principal, but she didn't call back. It is Friday afternoon.

 

Aside from talking to the school, how do I help my child not to be a target? He just doesn't get that they are F****** with him all the time because they get a reaction out of him. I am afraid that one day he will just blow and hurt someone who is messing with him. He is a big kid at 5'6" ,165 lbs, and super strong.

 

Just got a new job for the benefits, so home schooling is not an option. Enrolling him in parochial school is though. It would be two minutes from my work and is where we go to church. Also, he went there from pre-k to 2nd grade. Don't really want to change his school in the middle of the year, but I want him to be able to go to school in peace.

 

Has anyone else dealt with this? What did you do? How do you protect your kids and not paint a bigger bullseye on their back?

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We went through something similar 5 years ago when my DD was in 5th grade. Of course, this was before we had any bullying laws. She was taunted almost daily by a few girls - one in particular. Both my DD and I spoke with the principal on numerous occasions but nothing was done. I sent email after email, but they fell on deaf ears. The teacher's solution was to bring the two girls together. My DD came home daily and cried. The rages from her PANDAS exacerbations turned violent. During Thanksgiving break she was so relieved to be away from school. Then Monday rolled around and she refused to go back to school. I tried everything but she held her ground. She felt she had given them more than enough chances to fix the situation but they didn't.

 

Instead of forcing her to go back to such an emotionally volatile situation I supported her. I knew it was not going to get any better and it broke my heart to see how cruel the kids could be (and get away with it). I called an IEP meeting but they offered very little. Finally, as a temporary solution, I requested and received home tutoring. All they would give us was 2 hours at the end of the day. I took the two hours and told them my attorney would be in touch.

 

Thankfully I worked at home so we were able to do this -- as difficult as it was. And thankfully she loved reading history and science books so we would take bi-weekly trips to B&N to load up on books. She learned more in the 6 months at home from reading all those books than she did in the previous 3 years at school.

 

Although we had a 6-month battle I won an out-of-district placement to a fabulous private school. She has been there since 6th grade and will attend until she graduates from high school in 2 1/2 years. It's 45 minutes away but the district pays for her transportation, in addition to the school tuition.

 

The class sizes in her new school are small, she has a great counselor, excellent teachers, wonderful electives, and great friends. She is happy there and is getting a great education. Pulling her out of public school was the best decision we ever made.

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Ok....I may have a totally different view on this and many may not agree but here goes.....

 

I HIGHLY recommend reading "Wild at Heart" by John Elderidge. My husband and I read it and it really opened my eyes to the heart and soul of men/boys....which is a good thing. My husband learned so much about himself....he thanked me for making him read the book....and he hates to read. I too learned a great deal and feel it will be very instrumental in raising my boys successfully and helping them to feel like they have what it takes....that they are strong men.

 

Anyway...it addresses bullying. The authors son came home one day from school sad and depressed because a kid was picking on him. He wouldn't speak much about it and the author provoked him until he did. When the author, the boys dad, responded to the boys plight by saying...."next time he does that.....I want you to sock him as hard as you can." The boy's face lit up....he was delighted immensly by this. He previously felt he had to live with it....or ignore it...or have his parents fight his battles....all which take away his dignity. If he could take care of it himself...he would gain the respect of other boys and gain self confidence.....the boys would know to leave him alone...that this kid is no "sissy." It works. My husband went through the very same thing as a kid. He was constantly picked on by one particular boy and one day he just hauled off and gave it to him. The bullying stopped. Now, I know there can be alot of implications to this. Since your boy is big ...maybe just a firm shouting...getting in the bully's face.....standing up strongly for himself would be enough.

 

My boys know that they are permitted and encouraged to stand up for themselves and others. And yes...they are permitted to use physical force if absolutely necessary. This may sound crazy to some...but, read the book......it does a much better job at explaining this than I do. A must read!

 

 

Just fyi...my boys are not violent kids and they would not take it to the extreme...just do what is necessary. My one son is 12 and the other 9....they are big boys, too....they have never had to resort to anything physical....even though they know they can. They both did, once each when they were a bit younger and with our encouragement, need to stand up for themselves and get in the face of a bully. It stopped immediately and they have not been bothered since...their self confidence soared as well. My younger now stands up for others. For instance, the other day a boy was throwing a toy truck around the bus. A big toy truck. The bus driver is so passive, he never says a thing. When the truck came within inches of hitting a child in the head....my son grabbed the truck and stood up to the kid saying he needs to stop.....now. The boy did stop. When discussing it at dinner...we were pleased with his reaction and told him he did the right thing. My older son is slower to respond....more laid back...but were are constantly encouraging him to speak up and stand up. I don't want either of my boys to be the one who saw and walked away...or the one who saw, walked away and ran to tell Daddy. (referring to the Penn State scandal)

 

 

Another thing.....if it ever came down to it and my boys had to get physical....we are aware, as they are, that they may get in trouble with the school if it happened on school grounds or with the parents of the bully. They know, that if they were standing up for what is right and defending themselves or others, even though they may get in trouble elsewhere, they would not get in trouble with us and we would suppport them while taking whatever punishment may come our way. Through it all... they would earn respect of others, self respect, confidence and maintain their dignity and "manhood." Society wants to demasculinize men...again....read the book.....it is truly awesome.

 

 

So sorry this is long but I feel this is important and I really believe in it.....an excerpt from the book on the subject: (I edited to try to shorten)

 

"A few years ago my middle son Blaine made the big transition to first grade. This is a huge step for any child, but, Blaine is a very outgoing boy, a born leader, and we knew he'd handle it swimmingly. Every night revealed the days adventures, but one night he fell silent. 'What is wrong, tiger?" He wouldn't say...wouldn't even look up. "what happened?" I asked again. Then the story came out....a bully. Some first grade poser had pushed him down on the playground in front of all his friends. Tears were streaming dowm his face as he told the story. "Blaine..look at me." He raised his tearful eyes slowly, reluctantly. Shame was written all over his face. "I want you to listen very closely to what I am about to say. The next time that bully pushes you down, here is what I want you to do. Are you listening?" Blaine nodded, his big eyes wet and fixed on mine. 'I want you to get up...and I want you to hit him.....as hard as you possibly can." A look of emnarrassed delight came over his face...then he smiled. Good Lord...why did I give such advice? Why was he delighted with it? Why are some of you delighted with it, while others are appalled? Yes, I know that Jesus told us to turn the other cheek. But we have really misused that verse. If you hold up one passage of scripture while ignoring others, you will come to absurd conclusions. If Jesus intended to teach us, "never resist a bully," then why does he also tell his disciples. "But now if you have a purse, take it, and also a bag, and if you don't have a sword, sell your cloak and buy one." Buy a sword? He arms them. And that little matter of using a whip to clear the temple, that doesn't seem like turning the other cheek...now does it? We do not want to teach boys that bullies should never be resisted...and we do not want to teach bullies that they can get away with it! yes, scripture teaches the WISE use of strength and the power of forgiveness. But, you cannot teach a boy to use his strength by stripping him of it. We suggest that a boy who is mocked, shamed before his fellows, stripped of all power and dignity should stay in that beaten place. You will emaculate him for life. From that point on all will be passive and fearful. He willl grow up never knowing how to stand his ground, never knowing if he is a man indeed. Oh yes...he will be courteous, sweet even, deferential, minding all his manners. It may look moral, it may look like turning the other cheek, but it is merely weakness. You cannot turn a cheek you don't have...our churches are full of such men.

 

At that moment...Blaine's soul was hanging in the balance. Then the fire came back in his eyes and the shame disappeared. Now, I gave that advice to a boy I could trust and at the time in first grade. I did not give the advice to a high school boy whose enemy could pull a gun on him. There is wisdom and context. But we must not strip a man of strength and call it santification. Yet for many, many men their soul will hang in the balance because no one, no one has ever invited them to be dangerous....to know their own strength...to discover they have what it takes. Why on earth would a young man have to ask permission to be a man? Because the assault on his masculinity continues. I don't mean to create a wrong impression...a man is not wounded once, but many many times in his life. Nearly every blow ends up falling in the same place....against his strength. Life takes it away, one vertebra at a time, until in the end he has no spine left."

Edited by P.Mom
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P.mom - I just got around to reading this thread and thought your post was beautiful and very touching. Reminded me of the old song Kenny Rogers sang, "promise me son not to do the things I've done, walk away from trouble if you can...please don't think I'm weak I didn't turn the other cheek...poppa I sure hope you understand...sometimes you gotta fight when you're a man."

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Thanks Coco! That is a great song! No man or boy wants to be considered the coward of the county! It makes me think of "A Christmas Story" when Ralphie finally lets loose on the bully that had been picking on him for so long....boy did that kid change his tune!

 

 

Yep....sometimes ya gotta fight when you're man.

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