Sundowning.

[EmersonAilidh]

Added Omnicef (100 mg BID) on Thursday (or something like that). Was supposed to have finished Yodoxin but I still have some left. :/ Thought it was twice daily in the beginning when it's really three times daily. Oops. Whatever.

 

Had a pretty good weekend. Even got out of the house three times. Hung out with my old friends Danielle, Dane, & Lyndze (how she wants me to spell it -___-) on Friday. Spent the night & made bracelets with my friend Lindsey same night. Hung out with my friend Victoria (yes, the Braum's one) Saturday & spent the night with her that night. The first two went over well. Third one not so much. I'll spare you the boring details because if you know one petty, catty sixteen year old you know them all.

Went to my Dad's on Sunday as usual & like always that was good.

 

I didn't have much faith in the Omnicef at all. Using a cell wall inhibitor for MycoP, which has no cell wall, & Lyme, which can make itself cell-wall deficient? Hmph. Bah, humbug. After the first two doses though... I felt awesome. I was talking in class, laughing, didn't have to try to think about what to say. How to hold my hands, how to stand. Sounds odd but when you've got OCD everything is a thought out process. No such thing as spontaneous for us. I quickly noticed something though...

 

I would wake up feeling as exhausted & just generally horrible as ever. Go downstairs, eat a balanced breakfast of Corn Flakes & pills. I would start feeling alright while getting ready for school. I found myself having extra time because I wasn't struggling with my shoulders to do my makeup. I could choose an outfit without having a meltdown. &, perhaps most importantly, I could get out the door without forgetting 1309238048397398243 things.

 

In first period, Pre-AP English II, I was nearly downright cheery. But uncomfortable with it... "What the #### is this??? Do I want to talk to people...?" so even though I was happy I still kept to myself a bit, but my classmates seemed pretty surprised to learn that I wasn't a mute after all. I was FaceBooking Denise telling her that I felt better that I had in years. I chose my wording carefully to avoid saying "I haven't felt like this in years," because, quite simply... I've never felt like that. I felt light. Not in some weird, supernatural, lifted kind of way. It didn't feel like someone had completely removed that burden from my previous post, but it was like they just lifted up a side of it. It was nice.

 

By third period, though, it was over. Sitting in Business Computer Information Systems, this one kid kept honking & snorting & doing whatever it took to keep from just getting up & walking a whole four feet to blow his nose. That would be annoying to anyone, but to a panda that's torture. Sitting in a silent room with someone repeatedly making the same irritating noise? Oh my God. He wasn't the kind of guy I wanted to mess with so I tried to just grin & bear it, but it was even worse than usual. Almost uncontainable. I did all of my little tricks but still had to grit my teeth just to keep from sobbing. Or lashing out, for that matter. On Saturday night I did start crying when Victoria thought it was funny to smack her gum. I hate people.

 

As far as I can tell the Omnicef has made the difference. How much I'm liking that difference, however, is another story... I wake up feeling so bright, & as the day goes on it just gets cloudier & cloudier. It seems like for every inch I feel better I have to pay a foot. I am SO happy to be feeling hopeful & happier, but I am more easily annoyed & quicker to anger than ever. Which is saying QUITE a bit. On that note, I have been angry. But I haven't been sad. It's really weird. I've had an odd habit of crying at church (literally every Sunday of 2011), but I didn't do it this week. I haven't been getting depressed. Just furious. Sounds like a strange thing to be happy about but I am. Having to fight to keep one crazy emotion at bay is a full-time job, but two is even worse. So, if nothing else, I guess there's that silver lining.

 

Was SUPPOSED to be having my first therapy session in something like three or four years on Monday but as those of you have me added on FaceBook already know... that was fruitless. Got there on time for a 4PM appointment. Sat around & filled out paperwork. Started wondering what was going on when four other patients joined me in the waiting room.... That was only suspect because there's a single doctor in this building. Uno. One. & now five patients? So after an hour of waiting around I walked up to the front, asked what the problem was (Mom did her best to be respectful. We understand doctors can't predict how long appointments will take), & she told me the doctor was running about two hours behind schedule. Um. Well. That would have been nice to know when I got here an hour ago........ Left there sullen & not-talking. Now they're trying to charge us a cancellation fee because they rescheduled for the same time as my 504 meeting? UGHHHH. How do you sit through four years of university, four years of medical school, & four years of residency just to act like that to your own patients...? The people relying on you? ESPECIALLY the mentally ill & ESPECIALLY a first time patient! I mean, if he was a podiatrist or something it would be different. But when you're a psychiatrist, specifically an adolescent one no less... How can you just basically abandon a patient you've never even met before? Not only does it feel like they were just assuming that I had nothing better to be doing with my time, but the doctor didn't even come & say anything. Like I should be willing to go into a 4PM appointment at 6PM with no warning. Um, excuse me? You don't know this since you never even saw me, but I've got self-harm problems. Extreme emotional lability & OCD. Thank God this was already at the angry-stage, but I just do NOT understand any of that...

[tpotter]

Emerson,

 

I am so glad that you are feeling so much better. Hopefully it keeps going that way.

[browneyesmom]

Yep... appt thing stunk... but, glad things have lifted a little for you and you are enjoying your mornings more. I truly hope it will improve well beyond this for you as you progress through this treatment!

[browneyesmom]

Yep... appt thing stunk... but, glad things have lifted a little for you and you are enjoying your mornings more. I truly hope it will improve well beyond this for you as you progress through this treatment!

 

Oops... duplicate... just felt it was *really important* to make my point! hahaha jk

Edited April 13, 2011 by browneyesmom

[Sheila]

Emerson! So good to know you're feeling better. I enjoyed your account of the day. But I really can't imagine a counselor or office staff being so rude. What kind of a mind set do they imagine people will have once they finally get into the session? And then to try to charge you! That's nuts. Let us know how the meds worked today. Sheila