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Today is my sixteenth birthday, & things are looking up. I'm not a fan of speaking too quickly for fear of "jinxing" things, but I'd like to think that this most recent exacerbation is coming to an end. Comparatively speaking it was short (although who knows how long I've really been down with the stupid strep tests...), but it was the second worst one I've ever had overall. As far as all the emotional problems go, these past couple months have been #1, no contest.

 

Although I don't know how much of that is due to the actual intensity/severity of the exacerbation & how much of it could (& admittedly probably is) due to my friend's suicide in December. It's not that I haven't grieved properly or anything like that, it's just that having someone close to you die like that makes suicide a real thing in your mind. It's not just a word, not just syllables & vowels & consonants anymore. It's something that people do. Just like the dishes, just like laundry, just like napping or driving or eating or brushing your teeth. Granted, I certainly haven't tried to kill myself, but although I've buried that thought as deep as I can (& I don't mean that in a bottle-it-up sort of way. Just a not-something-you-need-to-think-about thing) it still manages to rear its ugly head in the dark hours, & it never fails to drag me down a little lower.

 

The powers that be at the almighty insurance company finally put their foot down & said "No Nuvigil for you!" on Thursday. We've got an appointment on Monday to discuss meds & for me to have an exam. Ovarian tumors & cysts run in my family & I've been having girl problems lately. I'm not too worried though. We had to reschedule a well check that was supposed to be for tomorrow because the DMV couldn't get me in for my license driving test today. I had time, but I was going to be receiving my third/final Gardasil shot, which make my arm hurt. Once your blood pressure is back to normal after reading that YES, I am doing Gardasil, please remember about my families reproductive system problems. I've had no issues that I can directly attribute to vaccines, & as far as I'm concerned this one is necessary for someone at higher risk like me. Not to mention, one of my three bestfriends found out that she has HPV on Wednesday & is currently waiting on an appointment with a specialist because they believe she already has cancer. This is just not a good time for my friends, apparently. :/ Say a little prayer for Danielle, if you would be so kind. <3

 

My Mom made vegan glutenfree pancakes & cupcakes for my birthday/Valentine's Day. Or, collectively, just "AilidhDay". :) We looked at the car I will more than likely be getting this week, tried & failed to get my license, & just had an awesome day. A girl in my art class that I barely knew brought me chocolates. I spent my birthday's eve in Fort Worth at my Dad's house with my sisters yesterday. We took a miniature train ride around the zoo (the nine of us taking up nearly the whole back half of the train, hahaha), ate rice & lentils, & went to the church's evening service. I have a REALLY hard time paying attention in church because it's hard for me to focus on one thing without something else to offset it. For example, I HAVE to have some kind of noise in the background while doing something like reading or even trying to sleep. When a teacher is lecturing, I look like I'm not paying attention because I'm doodling or attacking my fingernails, but it's really quite the opposite. So, in church, when all of those side-thing-a-ma-jigs aren't acceptable, I have a terribly difficult time listening to what the teacher is saying without my mind wandering every other word. One thing stuck with me, though;

 

"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." ~ Matthew 6:34.

 

Religious or not, the message is clear. & valuable, at that. Things had been improving at a sluggish pace this past week, hardly noticeable to the untrained eye but hardly ignorable to anyone well versed in P.A.N.D.A.S. & Lyme. After a good day full of family that loves me, that verse really just struck home. I'd love to sit here & tell you all about what it means to me & how it helped to dig me out of that hole, but in all honesty I'm doing my best not to overanalyze all of it. I figure that it's best to just let it be. Besides, as I'm sure the vast majority of you P.A.N.D.A.S. mommies (& Dads, too!) are well aware, sometimes, in fact, MOST of the time when it comes to us P.A.N.D.A.S. kids, things just... click. I don't know why it happens the way it does, you don't, she doesn't, he doesn't, I don't think that any of us do! Something as simple, seemingly insignificant, & completely inconsequential as breaking the yolk of an egg when trying to cook it can send me into a rage that lasts for days. On the same note, something as short & concise as a bible verse can lift me from a months long melancholy. I'm not naive enough to think that this peace is going to last forever or even a long time, but all I know is that I've felt like this all day. I've had a smile on my face from when I woke up in the morning to this very moment, while I lie in bed updating my cyberfamily before I go to sleep.

 

In a world where the feeling of shoelaces can make you sob, where accidentally touching a doorknob can make you scream, where the color of a passing car can make you downright elated, where every blow of the wind can make you feel hopeless, overjoyed, miserable, panicked, furious, euphoric, hateful, & God only knows what else... just being able to say "I have been happy for the past eighteen hours" (not to mention... I've been AWAKE for EIGHTEEN HOURS!) is the best birthday present that I ever could have asked for.

 

But, unfortunately, there are still History tests to be taken & I really must be going to sleep about now. I got home later than usual & so now my schedule is all messed up & I'm sure that I'll be paying for it tomorrow. But, if nothing else, I have the hope of today to look back on & get me through yet another day as Emerson. :) <3

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Good morning Emerson,

 

It was wonderful reading your update... on many levels. You are such an amazing young woman... insightful, mature, articulate. Thank you for sharing your journey and the verse... I think perhaps I needed to hear that today myself. ;)

 

Rich blessings for a year filled with plenty of positive new adventures for you. Hugs ♥

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Hey Emerson, it's nice to hear a lilt in your cyber-voice. I'm happy you had a happy birthday. I hope that it was just the first day of a very happy year. Sometimes solace finds YOU when you really need it, hence the verse. Here's to many future smile-filled days.

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Happy belated birthday, Emerson! My oldest son's bday is on the same day:)

 

Have you ever discussed birth control to help with the issues that run in your family. I believe some will help lower your chance of ovarian cancer and cysts.

 

Good luck getting your license and prayers and good thoughts being sent for your friend.

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