Hi.
I am 22 yrs, and I havent even been in a relationship.
Everything you mention, I easily imagine in my head.......like when I had crushes on guys, more mild versions of this happened since I wasnt involved....and I fear, I fear commitment, I fear what a guy will want from me....I fear getting hurt.
I was bullied asa child, I didnt know why, I was so lost....so confused....now my trust has been hurt by OCD and confused social skills.
I have joined 2 dating sites in the past fewyears. I have a liking for asian boys, but my anxiety is worse than with guys of my own color, because I already fear rejection........so I thought, maybe, I join this site and I can leearn that some don`t think Im a freak with yellow fever.
Turns out, I ended up breaking down again and confessing to someone I was just casually messaging about things like life and shyness....that I just don`t think I can handle it. I figure I joined in doubt, but I wanted to humour myself.
Suddenly, I felt like erasing my profile, and just disappearing. The other 2 I was messaging don`t know I have OCD yet......and it doesnt matter because all of them are too far to date anyway.......but to think I have to hide it, to pretend Im normal, to even get guys to talk online.....
I fear the one day I find someone perfect for me....I`ll ruin it, and him too.
I want attention and pity, yet I loathe myself everytime I want it...sometimes I dont ask for pity at all, but it comes because people feel sorry for me.
I sometimes think of joining the reserves, of doing something that makes more use of my pitiful life, than dieing old in a rocking chair. Im afraid to die...but some insane smile inside says its the only way to redeem myself....the only way I can live with myself, is to give myself up for a better cause. I feel like all I do is make people angry, take energy from them, or just cause chaos.
I know I`ll never feel understood, and to live like this for a long time....how will I be sane?
Men think Im too easy, desperate, and all that sh*tty stuff whenever I try my best to act like I think girls do when they like a boy.....all with failure.
I feel like a stalker by looking at a guy now.......I can't take it.
I feel better being single, and being a loner---no guilt, no commitment fears.
Im scared when guys make advances on me.....I shove them all away.
I know how you feel......even if I havent really dated, aside one boy online, I still felt the same emotions---and it took 9 months to get over my anxiety and depression...I snapped when I told myself things I didnt like about him.
Im afraid of thinking about past crushes or seeing them, and Im afraid of the dream I had:
3 friends and I decided to join a construction job. it was probably just a temporary job for some money.....but anyway...
you know how this is though---construction is a job that most men do, not woman. the boss was a good man, but he's busy, so he leaves us 4 to just explore the house that we will be helping with....
than this man comes towards us in that room- and my friends dont respond fast, but as he comes in, I knew he was going to shut the door, so I ran past his as fast as I could before he shut it on me as well----I ran to get help, and I heard them screaming...im pretty sure he raped them....and I was scared he would come after me too, and probably kill me for disobeying him.
the scariest part too was when I got help, i couldnt find the way back in the dark, so while we were looking...my fear for my friends grew even more....I believe I woke up at that point ...so they didnt get saved.
I never had a dream like this before.......but I always have men as the monsters in some way in them....Im so scared of men deep down....I'm a tomboy and I could do some guys jobs....but Im too afraid of toned men who have power over me in strenghth to do any of these jobs that could give me some nice money to live on.......
