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theatreofthemind

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  1. I am a 17 yr old male and I have also suffered from these debilitating sexual thoughts. I have just realized that for a significant portion of my life, I have exhibited many OCD symptoms, such as always having to do things an even number of times, always keeping count of weird things in my mind, and even betting fake money "against myself" in making a decision - pretty weird. I KNOW I'm not homosexual, and I sure as ###### don't want to be - I've always watched completely straight pornography and been sexually attracted to girls. But every so often that weird subconcious transient thought arises and makes me question myself, or even tell myself i'm gay, which is terrifying, I then counter these unwanted thoughts by telling myself that its sick, its f*cked, which it is. Like stated previously though, theres a huge difference between thought and true desire. I have always considered myself homophobic and I recently read a study stating that many 'homophobic' males are actually somewhat aroused by men, although still heterosexual, so I have concluded that it is unhealthy to be this way. I truly desire women, but I've always been bad with attracting them. I fit into the standard "nice guy" stereotype - so much respect for women that I'm often intimidated by them or seem uninteresting to them, but thats had a lot to do with my upbringing in a christian "don't date till your 30" type environment. At school right now theres a girl I really like, its kind of funny, its like the same amount of preconcious energy that I expend struggling with unwanted homosexual thoughts, I spend thinking about her at the concious level. We recently cuddled and made out at a party, which felt great, but not quite real because she was drunk and I was unsure of her feelings towards me in reality, obviously making my already complicated life just a little more stressful. I am would love to have a relationship with her, but right now shes not reciprocating the feelings I have towards her, so we'll see what happens. Just reading these other stories have helped me tremendously in dealing with this situation, but I really hope its just some form of teenage angst that will pass as I move into adulthood. Man, we people are messed
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