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Emilygirl

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  1. I have had a few things that I have to do or I feel "incomplete" and physically uncomfortable. If I step on the edge of a stair, a rock, an uneven path, I have to do it with over foot. The most annoying one is I count number of letters in words and for me even # are good, odd # aren't. Also, Left better than right. If I count the letters in a word and they are odd numbers, in my mind I play a free card (extra # or punctuation)to make it even. The last thing I do is when I use the microwave, everything has to be 38 sec or a certain number of min ending with 38 secs. I have bipolar, anxiety (especially during mania) and PTSD. I was diagnosed PTSD about ten yrs ago but have been doing the counting since I was six or so. I am tired and exhausted ,not to mention comoletely humiliated and embarrassed by all of this. I used to work 3 jobs and now, I am either running around crazy starting projects all over house and never finishing them while feeling like my insides are shaking or I can' get out of bed and think the world would be better without me. Seems like every year my symptoms are worse even after meds and therapy. I am tired of being called crazy, psycho etc. I didn' ask for this. I am exhausted from dealing with it. I go days without sleeping and the less I sleep, the less I need sleep. Days after, I could sleep 4 days straight thru. I feel like I am cursed and am frustrated how I am treated. If I was blind or had cancer, I wouldn' be treated like this. I know this isint my fault but I am so close to giving up. I have tried to committ suicide 2x and actually succeeded both times but they brought me back. I cried and told them to let me go back when I came to. I am not suicidal now but I am just so tired of this. I feel like I am cursed or it is only for bad people like me(even though I know it' not true). Everything escalated when my dad drowned (took 3 weeks to find body), I was raped by a family member (was adopted and happened when met bio family) and then my brother was murdered (Girl who did it was arrested 4 times but they didn't have enough proof to keep her)I think my mind is trying to protect me. I refuse to give up but dang it, I AM TIRED. Also, when depressed, my whole body aches horribly. Anybody have any of these issues? I know these are extreme issues but I dont know what to do and I am tired of being alone in this. I give the shirt off my own back to always make people happy but I am the most miserable persoin I know. I always keep a smile on face and am very outgoing because I want people to look ast the real me. Who I am inside, n it my disability. Any advice? I just need some support because right now I am down and being kicked at same time. Sorry so ling but today was especially bad day. Just need a kind word
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