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Everything posted by ilikedogs

  1. Hello again! I just responded to your response on my topic haha. If you read my reply to someone else above on that same post you'll see me talk about how I used to be terrified that I would develop psychosis. Depersonalization/derealization is anxiety and you are not going crazy, I promise. My fear of going crazy went away once I started taking a high dose of zoloft for OCD. It may be something you need to come to terms with on your own rather than people telling you that you are not going crazy. I know that no matter how many times someone told me it was just OCD, just denationalization, the fear would return eventually. But that's my experience. Feel free to reach out if you want to talk. Seems like we have a lot in common!
  2. Thank you all for your responses, I am so glad to have found this support outlet. I apologize for my delayed response. I'm responding to each of your posts below in pink
  3. Would love to connect if you still check this!
  4. Hi there. I'm a 24 year old undergraduate student. I've struggled with OCD and ADHD since childhood, but ~two years ago new symptoms appeared and the severity spiked, all very suddenly, and I've been basically non-functional since. Looking for other students to talk to for support. It's been difficult for me to find anyone who can relate to what I'm going through, especially near my age. I am currently in my 7th (yes, 7th) year of undergrad. I received one degree, but I am going for something completely different now. However, I'm struggling, and I don't know if I should keep trying, take a break, give up, or what. I used to be an exceptional student. I had not gotten anything less than a 4.0 in a class after my freshman year. I struggled with OCD an ADHD then too, but not like this. I was able to manage my classes, social life, etc. Until ~2 years ago. Everything suddenly went down hill. I cannot organize my life let alone my classes. I spend more time alone in my room pulling out my hair, blinking my eyes, trying to figure out what's wrong with me (all of these I had never had problems with before), than I do studying, socializing, or enjoying myself. In the past year, I've failed two classes and gotten a 2.0 or 2.5 in the rest. I had never even come close to failing a class before all this happened... I don't go to class. I don't read the book. I try to learn all the material the day before the exam. And then I get mad at myself for failing. I've wasted so much money and time and seriously fucked up my GPA. But I love what I'm studying. And I know that I could succeed if I could put in the time. I want nothing more than to make this happen. So each semester I tell myself that I will be better this time. I won't procrastinate. I won't give into my OCD. I will follow the studying schedules I make. I will wake up to my alarm and I will go to class. I will wake up from this nightmare. I will be "me" again. I can picture myself doing these things. I know the "me" two years ago would be able to do it. But I continue to fail. I continue to sleep through class. I continue to pull out my hair, squeeze my face, blink my eyes, hold my breath. I had every intention of doing it right this time. But I keep finding myself trying to learn the entire unit the night before the exam, yet again. I ask myself, where did that time go? What did I do instead? And honestly, I don't know the answer to that. I have been doing nothing else. Just sleeping, pulling, checking, etc. Nothing worthwhile. So I ask myself if I should keep trying. I'm signed up for fall classes. And I'm again able to picture myself doing it right this time. It seems like it will be so easy to wake up tomorrow and return to the old me. But I can't afford to waste another semester of student loans. So my mind is telling to drop out. I can't continue while I am ill. But what happens when I drop out? Probably nothing. I'll probably continue my terrible new lifestyle of nothingness, except now I won't be adding to my pile of debt, or moving in any direction whatsoever. If I drop out, I will have nothing motivating me. I'll just be stuck in this funk of nothingness. I want my life back. This is not me, it never was. How can my memory of myself be so vivid and real, so within my reach, yet so impossible to grasp? I do continue to have hope, and I refuse to give up. I changed so dramatically and suddenly once before, so maybe I am capable of changing again, to who I used to be. Oh, yeah, I forgot to mention that I have somehow managed to hide nearly all of this from my friends and the rest of the world. Nobody has a clue that I've changed or that I'm struggling. I couldn't expect anyone to understand. I would much rather tell someone who might at least remotely get it. I do have doctors I see, and supportive family and friends I could turn to. So I am ok and I am safe. But I do hope that I can find someone who I can relate to.
  5. Hello! I have had two short (both lasted no more than a few days) but severe depersonalization episodes, both of which were induced by marijuana use. The second one was due to accidental-ingestion (I learned my lesson the first time) and I actually ended up in the ER because it was so scary. It's probably the most difficult thing to try to explain. I sometimes experience much milder and more brief episodes during times of extreme anxiety. It helps me to remember that it is "just" anxiety and it WILL end. The best thing you can do is not think about it, which I know seems impossible, but you can do it; it will really help you. You might try focusing on your external environment. I take a sketchbook and pencils and go out in nature and draw (to the best of my ability lol). Or I describe my surroundings, writing colors, shapes, and other physical characteristics of my environment. When thoughts arise I try not to judge them. Try to accept them and let them pass. Mindfulness meditation is also extremely helpful. Sending all my support your way. <3 Also, i'd love to learn more about the neural mechanisms involved here if anyone is knowledgeable! I rarely meet people who react in this way to weed, or who experience depersonalization in general. I meet lots of people who either get super chill and deep, or get paranoid from weed. I haven't ever experienced either of those to any extent while smoking, and I think it's interesting how people can have such different reactions to the same drug. I'm not sure if depersonalization as a reaction to marijuana is a common theme for people with immune-mediated OCD/tics/ADHD, but would love to learn more about it!
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