Alright. Here goes nothing.
When I was 5 I was diagnosed with OCD (compulsively rubbed my hands when I wasn't allowed to organise/adjust/follow through on compulsions. My hands would bleed. It wasn't pretty.) I was put on prozac until I was diagnosed with ADHD. We then switched to Adderall XR and anafranil. I stopped taking those when I was 16 because I wanted to learn how to cope with myself by myself. It was definitely hard and I worked with many CBT's to get everything relatively normal.
I've been off meds for almost 2 years (I'm nearly 18). I'm a college freshman.
In early November I stepped into my first major relationship. I'd known the guy for almost 3 years and we were best friends. He's my age (well 8 months older but eh. Negligible.) The step into "relationshipdom" came pretty naturally. He's perfect for me. One helpful thing for you to know is that he does live 500 mile away. We talk on the phone every night for 1-2 hours. We vider chat 2ce a week AT LEAST usually for a couple hours. We see eachother roughly every 6-8 weeks usually for 2-3 days at a time. It is long distance but he's very supportive. Etc great guy you know the story.
But recently my OCD has been taking a turn for the worst with the relationship. I constantly question if I actually like him. I constantly question if really love him. I consider breaking up with him on a weekly basis (I never actually have, thank the lord). I debate weither or not he actually loves me or if it's all contrived. I doubt I'm good enough for him. It's not just thinking about these things either. It's literally going over them multiple times and worrying and cycling and convincing myself they're reality. I realise all these things are irrational, but I can't move on from them. They keep coming back. One day it's perfect and the next I'm worrying I made the wrong decision giving up my best friend for "love" or worrying I'm not good enough.
Little things bug me. Like when he uses words like "probably" and "maybe" when I ask him if things are happening. When the "maybe"'s and probably"'s go wrong I literally can't process it and I break down. When things with us in general go wrong I can't get over them. I dwell on them. It's like I become this different irrational person. I stop answering his texts and phone calls just to "get him back" for what he did. When I get in these moods I also can't seem to get over them. I try rereading nice texts he's sent or listening to the voice mails I have saved, but it doesn't work. I feel so numb and bitter. Even talking to him directly usually doesn't help. It's like I need to "get back" at him or have him apoligise before our relationship can go back to normal.
When I do move on after these moods, I always feel so guilty. I remember what a good guy he is and feel so badly and like a horrid person. But when I'm in these moods I can't seem to move on or remember what a wonderful person he is. He's very understanding and we're both working to make it work etc. Luv luv luv.
I'm in the "guilty" stage of this cycle right now. The joys. The cycles usually last about a week and then it starts all over again. When I am feeling anxious about something that is happening, I always try to talk about it first, but usually it happens too fast. I also downplayed what he does a lot. He skips out of "skype dates" a lot. Which is frustrating for me because I need to have that order otherwise I look my mind. I also visit him way more than he visits me (mostly due to transportation stuff) but it still causes me much grief.
Obviously, it's getting pretty out of hand. How do other people deal with their relationship and OCD? Especially long-distance ones? Has anyone else had similar situations/experiences/thought processes? Share experiences? Share advice? Share stories? Just share something? I'm getting to the point where I don't know if this will last if my behavior continues, but I don't know how to stop it. Even with my CBT mind training I can't seem to curb my obsessive and compulsive acts. Please please please with sugar on top!