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OCD Ruining Relationships


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31 replies to this topic

#16 j_m

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Posted 07 September 2008 - 04:09 PM

hi, I'm new to this forum too. Here are some thoughts from someone who has been in a recent relationship with a woman with ocd

We broke up recently for reasons which are complicated, but can be summarized as me asking her to take things to the next level and then wanting to slow down when I realized that we needed to work on some fundamentals. I have a tendency to adapt to try and make people around me happy and she has a tendency to find flaws and criticisms in me which are sometime non-existent, or more often, amplified unfairly. As you can imagine I found myself trying to adapt to her criticisms thinking that if I learned not to do the trigger thing, the relationship would be able to work. Unfortunately, the trigger changes all the time and sometimes it is not based on anything I really did - more the perception that I did or said something. The OCD was not the problem so much as the pattern of noting a flaw or potential flaw in me and becoming convinced that it was representative of a widespread pattern of flaws. For example, I sometimes stay at basic budget hotels when I travel for work. During one of her bad moments, she used this and a few other instances to weave together a belief (a certainty really) that I was cheap and money focussed. This ignored the fact that I almost always try to pay for our dates and have never thought twice about spending money on things that matter - liker her.

Obviously I still love her. Just thought I would share the fact that if someone has relationship ocd, it can be hard to deal with the intermittent black-and-white criticism.

She really, really did believe some of the things that she thought when a wave of negative thoughts would come. The hard thing was having someone you love think so harshly with you. In my case, the other
problem was that I would internalized the criticism and try to do better. That kind of vicious cycle must not happen.


#17 xxKATxx

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Posted 12 September 2008 - 02:21 PM

Hello,

I am also a sufferer of OCD, and I have problems with my dating relationships and what I think is my OCD. I'm 24, and every time I have ever started a dating relationship with a girl, I begin to start having thoughts about the last girl that I liked. These thoughts are unwanted and give me GREAT ANXIETY, b/c I feel so guilty for dating someone while still having thoughts and feelings about someone else. Eventually, I get to a point where I have to break off the relationship b/c the thoughts are so constant and give me so much anxiety. This time, I am trying to work through it by telling my girlfriend about these thoughts, but that hasn't really helped. I still have a ton of anxiety and guilt about it and am always wanting to break up with my girlfriend b/c it makes the anxiety go away, but she is awesome and I know that I don't really want to break up with her, it's just my dang OCD. Has anyone ever gone through this as well???? For a long time, I thought it was just fear of committment, which may be part of it. But I feel so guilty for putting her through this...I'm scared that if we do break up, then she's going to feel like I'm going back to the girl I used to like. any thoughts? am I really that crazy?


I've just recently been diagnosed with OCD and the main reason is because I was suffering from exactly what you're describing!! Everytime I started dating a guy I started thinking that I liked every other guy there is (including all my ex's) and didn't like the one I was dating. I couldn't think of anything else and I suffered from major anxiety. The only way to get rid of this was to end the relationship! The last time I dated someone I started suffering from this really badly and was eventually diagnosed with OCD. I had to end the relationship too because I couldn't handle it - I couldn't eat or sleep and started having panic attacks! Now i'm scared to ever date anyone again! It's good to know that someone else suffers from the same as me. The only problem I have now is that I don't know how to overcome this - it would be good to hear from someone who has eventually been able to cope with dating someone! And no you're not crazy strugglingdude - unless I am too??!!!???!!!

#18 acofface

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Posted 15 September 2008 - 02:44 PM

hi, I'm new to this forum too. Here are some thoughts from someone who has been in a recent relationship with a woman with ocd

We broke up recently for reasons which are complicated, but can be summarized as me asking her to take things to the next level and then wanting to slow down when I realized that we needed to work on some fundamentals. I have a tendency to adapt to try and make people around me happy and she has a tendency to find flaws and criticisms in me which are sometime non-existent, or more often, amplified unfairly. As you can imagine I found myself trying to adapt to her criticisms thinking that if I learned not to do the trigger thing, the relationship would be able to work. Unfortunately, the trigger changes all the time and sometimes it is not based on anything I really did - more the perception that I did or said something. The OCD was not the problem so much as the pattern of noting a flaw or potential flaw in me and becoming convinced that it was representative of a widespread pattern of flaws. For example, I sometimes stay at basic budget hotels when I travel for work. During one of her bad moments, she used this and a few other instances to weave together a belief (a certainty really) that I was cheap and money focussed. This ignored the fact that I almost always try to pay for our dates and have never thought twice about spending money on things that matter - liker her.

Obviously I still love her. Just thought I would share the fact that if someone has relationship ocd, it can be hard to deal with the intermittent black-and-white criticism.

She really, really did believe some of the things that she thought when a wave of negative thoughts would come. The hard thing was having someone you love think so harshly with you. In my case, the other
problem was that I would internalized the criticism and try to do better. That kind of vicious cycle must not happen.


Being in a relationship with someone with ROCD or obsessions about you is so hard. I, too, love my SO, but it can be terrorizing, especially if you don't know what you are dealing with. I started out thinking that all of the flaws and other criticisms I heard about myself were true. The repeated breakups made me wonder what I was doing wrong. Then after 4 years I found out about ROCD. I read about it in other message forums, and I can't tell you how relieved I was to learn that what I was dealing with was not uncommon. My SO was not a mean guy, and it gave me strength.

He's only gone to a therapist once, and it's been a little scary not knowing when it will all start again (last time he spiked was in June -tried to breakup again). He is trying to deal with it on his own, and I disagree. But I have learned that pushing him only makes things worse, so I'm doing what I can. He's trying, but I wonder if it will ever subside, and if he will ever be able to feel sure of his feelings for me.

I found a book for partners in relationships with ROCD, I can't tell you how helpful it was. I must say I know more about ROCD and OCD than I ever thought I would. I would suggest it to anyone trying to understand this monster, sufferer or partner. It was a great help. It's called "Sleeping with ROCD". There's a promo page that has a lot of information about it HERE, maybe it can help others like me.
There's also an article written by Dr. Stephen Phillipson about it. It's call "I think it moved". This was one of the first things that helped me identify ROCD in my relationship. It's located HERE, and it describes relationship substantiating, which defines ROCD.
I read that Meds help mask symptoms, but the only way to really control OCD (ROCD) is through CBT and ERP (Exposure and Response Prevention). They say only half of OCD sufferers respond to medication, but I think 75% of OCD cases are controlled over the long term of CBT. CBT has a higher success rate, too, and can work without medication.

Anyway, sorry for going on and on. Hope this helped.

#19 Toaster82

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Posted 09 December 2008 - 03:00 PM

Well, this is really sad, but I haven't checked back to this forum for 3 years. I checked back today because I am once again suffereing from ROCD. The first Post i made was when i was 23. I'm now 26 going through the exact same relationships problems, only now with a new person.
I can't stop obsessing that my boyfriend is still in love with his ex. I compile lists in my head of why this is so, like the fact that they were together for 10 years, or something he has said about her ...it goes on an on. I obsess, i try to find old pictures of them together. I feel like i HAVE to do these things because it will somehow stop me from worrying, but it doesn't. I feel so crazy right now...and I feel like I will never have a normal relationship. I have been to a number of therapists, been on several different drugs. I no longer know what to do. :)

#20 msmommy

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Posted 22 January 2009 - 09:08 PM

Reply to TOASTER 82

I have OCD. I have just been diagnosed at 30, almost 31. I was almost at my wits end tonight when I googled ruined relationships and I saw your post. I signed on to this form and her I am typing you. I know that might sound sad, but I don't care. I am so happy to hear there are people out there like me who understand what I am going through. I could have cried out of joy when I found this site. I am in a commonlay relationship with a man, we have a 1 year old son (born Christmas Morning) and my partner keeps threatning to leave me, he can not handle me. I have told him about the OCD, but he doesn't understand, as anyone who doens't have OCD couldn't. I wish he could see this form and finally have empathy to know that people out there, just like me exist. Our problem, is many, but one of the main is he hates the questions...of course they coime natural to me, and everyone who knows me for 15 years or more would say I am a "curious george" My questions to me are not insuating, but to him he feels just asking how your day is, was, etc...is much more...like getting drilled! I want to better the situation, before I loose the love of my life...It might be too late, which I really hope it isn't. We have a son, and I am with him24 hours a day. He is the love of my life, and I want to be better for him as well...

#21 heartmomentum

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Posted 18 August 2009 - 10:22 AM

Hello,

I am also a sufferer of OCD, and I have problems with my dating relationships and what I think is my OCD. I'm 24, and every time I have ever started a dating relationship with a girl, I begin to start having thoughts about the last girl that I liked. These thoughts are unwanted and give me GREAT ANXIETY, b/c I feel so guilty for dating someone while still having thoughts and feelings about someone else. Eventually, I get to a point where I have to break off the relationship b/c the thoughts are so constant and give me so much anxiety. This time, I am trying to work through it by telling my girlfriend about these thoughts, but that hasn't really helped. I still have a ton of anxiety and guilt about it and am always wanting to break up with my girlfriend b/c it makes the anxiety go away, but she is awesome and I know that I don't really want to break up with her, it's just my dang OCD. Has anyone ever gone through this as well???? For a long time, I thought it was just fear of committment, which may be part of it. But I feel so guilty for putting her through this...I'm scared that if we do break up, then she's going to feel like I'm going back to the girl I used to like. any thoughts? am I really that crazy?


This is exactly what I have experienced.

Now I am 30. 8 years ago, I had a girlfriend. I loved her. One night, I found a letter written by my ex-girlfriend. I began to obsess about my ex-girlfriend since that night. I did not know how to handle it. I did not know I had OCD then. I just thought over and over if I still loved my ex-girlfriend, but in fact in my heart I knew I did not want to start over with my ex-. I did not want to break up with my current girlfriend but the anxiety was so serious that my daily life was affected considerably. I broke up with her about 1 month later, with tears and regret. That did not make sense, but it alleviated my anxiety. Both my girlfriend and I did not know I had OCD. If we had known it, we would have tackled the problem otherwise.

One year later, I was diagnosed as having OCD by an experienced counsellor. She advised me to go to see a psychiatrist. I was given Zoloft and I decided to take the pills. My anxiety was much alleviated and I felt like the formidable illness has been cured!

The sad fact is, I have lost someone who I cherished a lot forever.

Actually, my disease has not been fully cured. I did not continue to take the drug when I felt better. After a year or two, the illness came back again. I suffered from OCD on and off. What I feel grateful is I can have Zoloft to help me when I suffer.

I have started a new relationship for 1 and a half year and I plan to marry her one and a half years later. OCD keeps coming back and i need to fight it every now and then. I feel bad sometimes but I am determined not to let my girlfriend down. In short, medicine and determination helps.

Don't give up, mate!

#22 jav1231

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Posted 04 November 2009 - 12:05 PM

I've suffered from OCD since my early teens. In those days it was quite severe. To the extent that I was a bit of a spectacle, constantly washing my hands, checking my shoes, generally unable to move freely without some compulsion. Over time I started to develop ways to deal with it. For 30 years those worked pretty well. Times of high anxiety would, of course, trigger loss of control and it would get harder to deal with.

About 15 years ago I was in a brief relationship with someone I loved dearly. I've loved this person since the day I met them, even though I eventually married. I did love my wife but never to the extent I loved this other woman. When she and I broke up, I went into a severe depression. A nice side-effect of the anti-depressant was that it helped control my OCD. After about a year, I was able to go off medication and manage my OCD myself.

Recently, she has come back into my life. At first I wasn't too anxious. Over time, especially after we made love for the first time in years, my anxiety we through the roof. Consequently, my OCD has was well. I'm finding myself obessed with the relationship. We live kinda across town from each other so I can't see her often. She just started a new job too so where as we use to talk daily, we hardly talk much now. She tells me everything I need to hear. She's sorry about leaving before. She always considered me the love of her life and wants us to get to know each other. She loves me with all her heart. All things she never said to me before. Yet, I'm constantly afraid she's going to leave again. When we're not speaking I'm virtually manic with anxiety.

I've tried a few meds and my dr. is helping me find what will hopefully work. I've moved also into therapy. I'm shunning SSRI's for now, due to side effects. I'd rather find the tools to self-manage augmenting that with anxiety medication. I'm not sure if this is the answer but I'm hopeful. I don't want to lose this person as I love her more than anything.

#23 cjcoolcat8

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Posted 03 January 2010 - 01:32 AM

hello there. I am a 17 year old girl, senior in high school and ive had a couple serious relationships. I am in one right now and our relationship is good a lot of the times but im so tired of my OCD getting in the way. And even if i keep it to myself and dont show him exactly when im obsessing over, it really affects my attitude and my mood and just upsets me. I hate feeling so upset over something that i know is ridiculous to get upset about. I analyze everything and even when its a good thing, it's like my mind wants to turn it into something negative. I always go to that negative place and i dont know why. Why ruin something so good? Im sorry if im not making much sense in this post. im not very good at explaining how i think and feel. if anyone has any stories that relate or advice to give me, it'd be really nice :lol:

#24 Torii

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Posted 20 January 2010 - 03:44 PM

Hello,

I am also a sufferer of OCD, and I have problems with my dating relationships and what I think is my OCD. I'm 24, and every time I have ever started a dating relationship with a girl, I begin to start having thoughts about the last girl that I liked. These thoughts are unwanted and give me GREAT ANXIETY, b/c I feel so guilty for dating someone while still having thoughts and feelings about someone else. Eventually, I get to a point where I have to break off the relationship b/c the thoughts are so constant and give me so much anxiety. This time, I am trying to work through it by telling my girlfriend about these thoughts, but that hasn't really helped. I still have a ton of anxiety and guilt about it and am always wanting to break up with my girlfriend b/c it makes the anxiety go away, but she is awesome and I know that I don't really want to break up with her, it's just my dang OCD. Has anyone ever gone through this as well???? For a long time, I thought it was just fear of committment, which may be part of it. But I feel so guilty for putting her through this...I'm scared that if we do break up, then she's going to feel like I'm going back to the girl I used to like. any thoughts? am I really that crazy?


I've just recently been diagnosed with OCD and the main reason is because I was suffering from exactly what you're describing!! Everytime I started dating a guy I started thinking that I liked every other guy there is (including all my ex's) and didn't like the one I was dating. I couldn't think of anything else and I suffered from major anxiety. The only way to get rid of this was to end the relationship! The last time I dated someone I started suffering from this really badly and was eventually diagnosed with OCD. I had to end the relationship too because I couldn't handle it - I couldn't eat or sleep and started having panic attacks! Now i'm scared to ever date anyone again! It's good to know that someone else suffers from the same as me. The only problem I have now is that I don't know how to overcome this - it would be good to hear from someone who has eventually been able to cope with dating someone! And no you're not crazy strugglingdude - unless I am too??!!!???!!!




Im 16 and got diagnosed at about 11-12.i am on the highest medication the doctors can give me but this dosnt always help.what your explsaing about your relationship has happneed to me, its as though there is someone else inside of me telling me the things which i know are not true. i know it sounds silly and i know its harder said than done but if you try to ignore it,it will ease off, or if this didnt work which it didnt for me then you could try and do the opposite its telling you to do,you mentioned about feeling guilty, tell it no i love this person i am with thats why i am with them.i have explained to my boyfrind everything and he dosnt understand becasue no one will ever understand what people with OCD feel apart from otheres with it, but he tries to and and always listens to me. hpoe this helps a tad. Love Torii x

#25 Jessieluvsseashells

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Posted 30 March 2010 - 02:41 PM

I hope someone reads this soon....I totally understand how you feel. My name is Jessica and I've had OCD since as long as I can remember. Interestingly enough, when I was a little girl, I was just as attatched to my mother as I have been to previous and my now current bf. I had to be with her all the time and I was alwys getting thoughts AND IMAGES in my head that she was going to die. I had to go everywhere with her to make sure that if she died, I would die with her so that I wouldn't be alone. I was always suspicious that she was keeping somethnig from me about how maybe she was diagnosed with Cancer and she was just trying not to tell me. I would have to ask her over and over again if she was sick and was just trying to hide it from me.
Now, I get to experience it with my bf's. It started when I was 17 and had my first serious relationship which lasted for 2 and a half years. I had images and thoughts of my bf cheating on me, or thinking that I wasn't good enough for him and I always thought that he was mad at me for something, I didn't keep it from him at all, becuase I thought he was understanding and would love me unconditionally. He was supportive for the first year and a half, then he began to put me down for how I was and he eventually cheated on me. He was a scum bag. I don't blame myself for him cheating on me at all, but if I COULD do things differently, I would have tried not to tell him as much as I did. I think it is important to do what one of you said that you do- "Try to handle the thoughts, rationally on your own, first, and then if you feel its still bothering you and its worth talking about with him, talk about it, camly and rationally," (much easier said that done).

3 boyfriends later, at 23 years old, I'm still struggling with the same bf OCD that I've struggled with as a teenager, and being cheated on has made it 10 times worse. I have met the man of my dreams, (the other 3 were losers, and I dumped them!) and I am struggling terribly. Whats harder, is that I keep most of my suffering inside, I don't want to reveal to him too much, and when I see his face. its like there's a knife sticking out of the center of my chest that he can't see, but I can feel 100% and I can't let him know. I know what one of you other girls meant on here whenyou said you wanted to die.
I've been with him for almost 8 months, and now he tells me that his dirty, scummy, friend WHO HAS CHEATED ON HIS SOON TO BE FIANCE SEVERAL TIMES is about to propose...which means...BACHELOR PARTY.
I have always been TERRIFIED at the thought of those things, just becauise I feel like its the one day when morals are completley absent, and men are allowed to cheat on their significant others. My boyfriend's friend used to ALWAYS go to strip clubs, so I'm certain that this is where his bachelor party will be. WHAT DO I DO??? My friends are tired of hearing about my OCD over the years, even my own mother, and I HAVE NO ONE! What do I do!? IAM GETTING IMAGES OF MY BF GETTING LAP DANCES AND MAKING OUT WITH STRIPPERS AND THEY WONT STOP. I'm so lost

#26 Jessieluvsseashells

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Posted 02 April 2010 - 01:38 AM

I hope someone reads this soon....I totally understand how you feel. My name is Jessica and I've had OCD since as long as I can remember. Interestingly enough, when I was a little girl, I was just as attatched to my mother as I have been to previous and my now current bf. I had to be with her all the time and I was alwys getting thoughts AND IMAGES in my head that she was going to die. I had to go everywhere with her to make sure that if she died, I would die with her so that I wouldn't be alone. I was always suspicious that she was keeping somethnig from me about how maybe she was diagnosed with Cancer and she was just trying not to tell me. I would have to ask her over and over again if she was sick and was just trying to hide it from me.

Now, I get to experience it with my bf's. It started when I was 17 and had my first serious relationship which lasted for 2 and a half years. I had images and thoughts of my bf cheating on me, or thinking that I wasn't good enough for him and I always thought that he was mad at me for something, I didn't keep it from him at all, becuase I thought he was understanding and would love me unconditionally. He was supportive for the first year and a half, then he began to put me down for how I was and he eventually cheated on me. He was a scum bag. I don't blame myself for him cheating on me at all, but if I COULD do things differently, I would have tried not to tell him as much as I did. I think it is important to do what one of you said that you do- "Try to handle the thoughts, rationally on your own, first, and then if you feel its still bothering you and its worth talking about with him, talk about it, camly and rationally," (much easier said that done).

3 boyfriends later, at 23 years old, I'm still struggling with the same bf OCD that I've struggled with as a teenager, and being cheated on has made it 10 times worse. Althoguh I didn't even really love the other 3 bf's I had, I still was tormented by the same thought patters. I have met the man of my dreams, and I am struggling terribly. Whats harder, is that I keep most of my suffering inside, I don't want to reveal to him too much, and when I see his face. its like there's a knife sticking out of the center of my chest that he can't see, but I can feel 100% and I can't let him know. I know what one of you on here meant when you said you wanted to die. I've been with him for almost 8 months, and now he tells me that his dirty, scummy, friend WHO HAS CHEATED ON HIS SOON TO BE FIANCE SEVERAL TIMES is about to propose...which means...BACHELOR PARTY.
I have always been TERRIFIED at the thought of those things, just becauise I feel like its the one day when morals are completley absent, and men are allowed to cheat on their significant others. My boyfriend's friend used to ALWAYS go to strip clubs, so I'm certain that this is where his bachelor party will be. WHAT DO I DO??? My friends are tired of hearing about my OCD over the years, even my own mother, and I HAVE NO ONE! What do I do!? IAM GETTING IMAGES OF MY BF GETTING LAP DANCES AND MAKING OUT WITH STRIPPERS AND THEY WONT STOP. Or I'll get questions in my head like, "What if he had the bachelor party in Vegas? What if he goes to his friend's bachelor party, What if I end up trying to tell him he CANT go and he dumps me?.......I'm so lost...Do people like me ever get married? Is there hope for me?

#27 JohnDip

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Posted 01 October 2010 - 10:26 PM

Hi Everybody,

I am not a avid reader of this forum, but I think I should really start...

I have been with my Girlfriend for 2 years and I was told that I was enabling her OCD. Is that a bad thing? She tends to have to clean things and think that items or people are "contaminated". She asks me to shower, change clothes, wash hands, wash face and feet before touching when I get to her place.

If I don't do it she panics and goes ballistic... She seems like she just saw a ghost of her grandmother or something... it would be unimaginable for me NOT to comply to her compulsions... (She is on heavy medications, and does not want to do treatment)

What am I supposed to do?

Lost John,

#28 AmieM

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Posted 27 March 2011 - 10:37 AM

My current relationship ship is going much better now I have more routine visits with my therapist. The less I had someone professional to speak to I would begin seeking reassurance from my partner which could only be very taxing on them. It also made me feel like they thought I was weak. My OCD was spike to the point I would seek reassurance from everyone and be non stop about it. I try to remind myself that if I'm not discussing my OCD with a doctor then I shouldn't be seeking help from non experts.

#29 Jaylin Gerber

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Posted 22 May 2011 - 06:41 PM

I am the wife of someone who has suffered from ocd for the past 25 years, we now have a daughter who is 20 and hopes to be married soon, she also has ocd. We have overcome huge obstacles and gone through some of the worst experiences imaginable. We are still together. For those of you who suffer with this terrible "thief", please know and understand that this phase and situation that you are going through will pass and that you will once again be who you once were, only this time you will be stronger. For those of you who watch in agony how your loved one suffers, know that just being there to listen, sometimes endlessly, to the repition cements your bond and makes the relief well worth the effort. Symptoms of ocd ebb and flow, however true love never wavers. I hope that this message helps even one person.


How did your husband get past it? DId he go through therapy or is he on a prescription? Please let me know

#30 Dune

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Posted 10 June 2011 - 03:03 AM

Hi everyone, I dont know if anyone will come back to me to offer any advise as I can see that this thread is quite intermitent. Certainly, many of the posts here have helped me a little bit, to see the way some of you who suffer from OCD think about the difficulties you have, and also people living with others who have it cope. Gives me some idea of what I might be getting into, but I would really appreciate any advise or support anyone here might be able to offer me in my situation, either by PM or within the thread.

I have just recently entered into a relationship with someone who has OCD tendencies amongst other problems (often the damaging effects of life cannot be categorized aye). He had full blown hand washing OCD when he was a teenager, but somehow managed to switch it off, sort of. I think he managed to bring it under control, by expanding it and thinning it out, so that rather than it being full blown with one particular thing, it kind of is half blown on lots of things. Subtle enough not to be too noticable, but at the same time, not full blown enough to bring to his attention as making life difficult. And lots of his anxieties are based around real problems that he has (mast cell activation syndrome = LOTS of allergies) which often serve to justify them, a bit of a catch 22 there.

We have been together for a few months. I feel very strongly about him, and would like to see if we can make things work, I worry because I have already made the fatal mistake of telling him how deep my feelings are for him, which may set things up for a fall. We have had a few of arguments, at first, I do what I usually do, I am easy going and adaptive a little like the guy in one of the posts above, and I found resolution in the argument, by focusing on what I might of done that contributed to the argument, in order to move things into a more reflective dialogue which might encourage him to examine his own behaviour. It partially worked, but not as much as I would have liked, and I ended up in a situation where the argument had been my fault, which I believed, but also had this intuition that it may have been a smoke screen for something else.

We had another argument the other day and I am left feeling a little bit nervous about the whole thing. This time round I didnt take the blame, as I was able to remember the dialogue of my point well enough to demonstrate that actually, I hadnt done anything other than express my view on something that was different from his, but no matter how excepting I was of his, he still was very angry, a sort of no win, which we managed to draw to a close and get off the phone with him reflecting an understanding of the imovability of the situation. Following this he sent me some texts apologising, very reflectively, which was reasurring. He obviously had some awareness that he was carried away.

What I am seeing though, is there are a lot of deep seated anger and control issues, that manifest themselves as kind of passive aggressive. On the one hand he is angrily defending himself, against an attack that is not there. In fact, it was just against my response, that some difficulties in my life at the moment arnt necessarily because he is in my life giving me his bad luck because I dont see things like that, that started it. Very strange. Throughout the argument he was insistent that I was being patronising, and that I acting as though my view was better than his, and that I was wrong to see things the way I did (My attitude is that things are constantly changing, a pork sandwich today is different from the one you had yesterday, even if they look the same, where as he is very defensive of the idea that they are the same, as an analogy that history always repeats itself, which I think somehow maintains some sort of negative core belief he has that might well be connected to many of his issues, which may have been why he reacted so strongly).

However, as I said a bit earlier, I am now feeling a little bit worried and uncertain, am I in over my head? I would really like to build a relationship and perhaps a life with this guy, we have many things in common and a lot of fun together, and he can be a very reflective person too, but I am starting to feel myself worry about expressing what I think about something in case he perceives it as an attack on what he thinks (which it isnt).

I understand that in many ways, this is a common relationship issue that most couples might have OCD or non OCD, but its difficult to explain, his anger elevated so quickly, over something that I am not sure would have affected someone who didnt have the problems that he has. Infact, many people would have seen what I was saying as something kind. I was basically saying that it wasnt his fault that I am having difficulties in my life (which it isnt, they are completely unrelated), which is what makes me think it is a control issue. Needing things to be about him and his difficulties maybe? I dont know, do any OCD sufferers here find themselves viewing their loved ones experiences in terms of their difficulties in a similar way? Is there any part of what I am describing that sounds familiar?

He nearly did it again last night, but I now know that when he makes one of those comments that I should not engage with it at all. He said something negative and I stayed silent, he asked me why I wasnt saying anything, and I stated philosophically that I didnt know what to say and that there was nothing I really could say to something like that, its just what he thinks and feels; and he sighed a note of understanding and the conversation moved on...so I guess that might be a tip for anyone who has had a similar difficulty.

Gosh, this is a long one, if you have gotten this far, thank you for reading and if there is any advice anyone can offer me in the thread or by PM, or books (NOT "THE RULES" as someone advised earlier lol) about living with someone who has problems I would much appreciate it.

Many thanks,
D

Edited by Dune, 10 June 2011 - 03:21 AM.





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